Good day, fellow women! Today is International Women’s Day, the day in which we celebrate all the amazing advances the lady types have made in the world. The other 364 days are for the men, because I mean come on, they’ve accomplished way more than we have. I think we can all agree on that. How will you be celebrating International Women’s Day? Wikipedia-ing your favorite influential women and crying into a carton of Häagen-Dazs as you realize how little you’ve managed to accomplish in your life? Clicking “like” on all the Facebook status updates that mention IWD to assuage the guilt you feel at not having been among the ten billion other people to officially recognize it via your social media?

Come on, ladies. We can do better than that. I for one will be honoring IWD in the best way I know how – by being a real classy lady for the whole day. Let me show you how it’s done.

I woke up this morning with extra greasy hair, having not showered the day prior, because NOBODY CAN TELL ME WHEN TO SHOWER. I immediately Dutch ovened the dog because 1) that’s funny, and 2) needed to break in my newly washed sheets. Yeah, I did laundry the day before. Real ladies still do laundry. The best lunch (did I mention I woke up at noon?) for a lady to make should involve some combination of bacon, cheese, and mayonnaise. In honor of my female ancestors who worked tirelessly to juggle all of life’s responsibilities, I managed all three – sliced up some Havarti and cooked the shit out of it on some bacon. Mayo, bread, bam. International Women’s Day sandwich.

Picking out clothes for the day is always an endeavor in self-respect for any woman. And by “self-respect,” I mean what combination of cloth can I drape on myself that will simultaneously give the impression I am thin, well-liked, and DTF? I went with leggings because the best way to honor your fellow woman is to wear exactly what every single one of them is probably wearing right at this exact moment. But I paired said leggings with a rebellious pair of Chuck Taylors because fuck the man.

I showered (BECAUSE I WANTED TO SHOWER, NOT BECAUSE YOU WANTED ME TO) and bussed my feminine ass to campus to continue my years-long journey toward obtaining a PhD. It’s a life goal I initially implemented because I thought it’d mean getting heartfelt pats on the head from fellow male colleagues as they coo, “Ooh, how adorable! A woman getting a PhD! Good for you, sweetheart!” But it turns out there are WAY more women in my graduate program than there are men. So…score one for us, I guess? Without that justification from the opposite sex it feels like kind of a waste, to be honest, because what the fuck am I going to do with a PhD in English once I’m out in the real world trying desperately to find a husband who won’t mind being saddled with my student debt while simultaneously refusing to go off birth control because kids scare the shit out of me?

Tonight I will socialize in such a way as to optimize the fun and adventurous side of my personality and downplay the neurotic bat shit insane side, because boys don’t like crazies. I will not touch up my makeup. Not for lack of needing to, but just because I’m too lazy.  I will play team trivia in an effort to justify to myself that I am indeed a smart sophisticated woman, and inevitably lose once again because smart sophisticated women don’t know enough about Top Gun. I will be reminded that I have a vagina when I realize I need to pee. And I will be proud that I need to pee, like, all the time, just like all my fellow ladyfriends. Peeing for equality! Peeing for justice! Peeing in groups because we cannot go to the bathroom alone! My teammates and I will laugh about the fact that IWD falls on the same day as Mardi Gras, but I will not complain about the fact that women only get one day a year because there’s nothing more annoying than a whiny pretentious feminist. Tiny voices will whisper in my head, remnants of bygone lives throughout history saying, “But Katie! You’re a woman! Surely you should take some pride in that!”

Should, maybe. But I’d rather be one of the boys and play Nintendo and talk about exploding helicopters and automatic weapons because what boys really want to have sex with is a version of themselves that doesn’t have a penis. And feel a twinge of shame because I feel the need to express pride that I actually like doing those things.

Happy International Women’s Day, ladies!

–Katie Sisneros has a complicated relationship with her gender.