Hello! Thank you for clicking, and welcome to the Internet!

It’s likely you’re here because you’re a) looking for pornography, or b) taking a detour on your never-ending search for pornography. Either way, I’d like to welcome you and perhaps pat you on the back like you’re a warm and friendly bunny that gets off on back-patting. I’d also like to tell you a thing or two about achieving stunning amounts of pleasure on the Internet. Let’s go!

WHAT IS THE INTERNET?

Good question. I can say with a great amount of certainty that the Internet is a “place” where people “gather” and share “pornography.”

Sometimes people also share other things, like seductive photos of charcuterie or updates about one’s depressing and always-declining medical condition. :- (

The Internet is a also a portal to pay bills, browse headlines, and click on headlines that have the following words in them: Apple, iPad, Pornography, Steve Jobs, young teen cam girls, Justin Bieber.

On the Internet, you can also haz fun with faces that aren’t really faces. Here are a few examples!

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You’ll notice that some faces have noses, and others do not. Pay close attention to this. If someone sends you a face with a nose, they are a pervert, and the pornography they send you is probably perverted pornography.

HOW CAN THE INTERNET HELP ME?

When you’re trying to find pornographies, the Internet can help you to a maximum level. Just Google some of your favorite juicy words, such as “heat, “miraculous,” “debilitating,” and “shivering,” along with the word “porn,” and you’ll find what gets your goose. Wink.

WILL THE INTERNET HELP ME GAIN RESPECT FROM FUTURE LOVERS?

Most definitely. A 2003 survey of Interneters found that most of them eventually found lovers on the Internet, and even though their relationships always failed, there was a time in those relationships where there was respect and fornication. Also, once the relationships did fail, the Interneters had the skills to go back to the Internet and survive on pornographies.

ARE THERE ANY RULES OR CAN I DO WHATEVER I WANT ON THERE?

Once there was a man who told me that if my heart can dream it, I can do it on the Internet. I’m writing this guide to tell you that this man was wrong when it comes to what the state calls “bestiality porn.” This is when animals make their sweet sweet love with humans. These pictures are illegal on the Internet, and must be viewed only when utilizing the computers in the kids’ section of the public library.

WHAT ARE SOME WAYS TO ACHIEVE MAXIMUM LIFE HAPPINESS WITH THE INTERNET?

First things first: buy only Apple products. Porn looks brightest on a Mac.

Second: don’t take the Internet too seriously. After porn, cats are the second most sought after genre on the Internet. You can look at cats when you’re done looking at porn. Or you can look at cats while you’re looking at porn. Either way, you’re bound to get some LoLz.

Thirdly: when the police come to your house and pound on your door, take a hammer and bash in your computer really good. Make sure you break it down to its smallest components, and that these small components are then flushed down the toilet/inserted or hidden in your cat. This is the best way to stay out of maximum trouble.

-Jason Zabel achieves maximum happiness on the Internet every day

Photo by Michael Inscoe