The Reliable Drunk: This person knows how to drink. They practically do it for a living, and they know what they’re doing. While they will bring beer to movies and a flask to Christmas Eve’s Midnight Mass, they never puke their guts out. That’s for noobs.
The Party Girl: This girl is tame and studious in real life, drinking things like “orange juice” and “coffee.” But once they touch vodka, they can’t put it down, not until their shirt has been tied up over their belly button and they have six new “man friends” numbers in their phone.
The “I’d Rather Be Smoking Pot Right Now:” This person will throw back a few beers at a barbecue, but they’re just waiting till their girlfriend gets immersed in a conversation about Marc Jacobs or “Modern Family” before they take off with the guys and pull out that sweet, sweet joint.
The Person Who Begrudges Drinking and Thinks You’re an Alcoholic But Goes Straight to You When they Want to “Go Crazy:” Maybe they just broke up with their controlling girlfriend. Maybe they’re religious and like to accumulate some major confession material when they’re feeling extra-existential. Either way, fuck that guy.
The Booze-Lemic Girl: You wonder how this rail-thin girl downs six vodka cranberries at happy hour daily, chugs beer with the guys all night and never fails to demand Big Macs until you realize that drinking until they puke is essentially their diet. PARTY!
The Needy Drunk: This person wants you. So bad. Wait. Where are you going? Why are you leaving them alone? They really need you. You’re both drinking and laughing and having so much fun together and really you’re not going to exist if you’re apart. You know that right? The Needy Drunk will die if you’re not near. Don’t let The Needy Drunk die.
The Expert: This person knows everything when they drink. Astrophysics? Duh. How many nipples does the average cat have? Obvious. Average length of an American Caucasian penis compared to the average length of a Danish penis? That’s kids stuff. Civil War history? He practically started the Civil War, okay? Okay.
The Asleep Drunk: This person drinks four glasses of rose-colored wine and then disappears. Twenty minutes later you go check on him, suspecting he is in the bathroom, but find him face-down on the floor, drooling. Every now and again he will convulse gently, perhaps in response to a dream, but otherwise he will not wake for 8 hours, no matter how hard you try to rouse him.
The “Person Who Wants To Be Taken Advantage Of” Drunk: “Hiya! My name’s Amber and I have boobs! My boobs look tasty, don’t they?! Look how I can drink this entire bottle of vodka! That’s cute, right? You want my boobs, right?! My boobs sparkle when I spill Vodka on them! Giggle!”
The “My Parents Didn’t Really Love Me” Drunk: Without fail, this person goes to their dark place when they drink. Maybe it takes three, four beers before you see their face blacken and their voice harden. They might act angry about something insignificant, like a speck on a drinking glass, but invariably their dark, dark sadness is about repressed mommy/daddy issues they have. They want to cry about it. Avoid this drunk.