How to Be an Average-Looking Male

How to Be an Average-Looking Male

1. On the weekends, make polo shirts and khakis your standard outfit. In the summer pair this ensemble with Teva or Keen sandals, in winter with running shoes. Colors for all should be as muted as possible, no reds, no pinks, no bright blues. Always leave the placket completely unbuttoned, unless you’re going out to dinner somewhere, then close just the bottom button.

2. Get your hair cut no less than every three weeks. It should be cut in a way that can look presentable at the office, be combed a little nicer for a lunch meeting and look slightly messier if you are going out on the town. It’s time to get a haircut when your “messy” look starts to become your “presentable” look. Don’t worry about keeping track of the time that elapses between haircuts, someone in your life (friend, co-worker, significant other) will point it out without you even having to ask. “Hey Jim, looking a little wild for a Tuesday! Hot date tonight?” a co-worker might say. You should stop by a barber on the way home from work.

3. If you live alone, make sure that none of your furniture matches, just kind of hangs together in a sea of clashing colors and fabrics. Your lamps may match, but the the bulbs in each of them should have different wattages. The sheets on your bed should not match. If you live with roommates or a girlfriend/boyfriend/wife do not make one decision regarding decorating but pick one thing, preferably small, like the color or style of the blades on a ceiling fan to complain to your friends about at happy hour or while golfing on Saturday mornings.

4. When you don a suit make sure the shirt is white and the tie is the same color as the suit. If you’re at a wedding you’ll be mistaken for a server several times if you remove the suit coat, but it is just too hard to pick a colored shirt and try to match the tie with it and the suit. It’s best that you just steer clear of that hornet’s nest.

5. Start watching the DIY Network almost exclusively and after a few weeks decide that the bathroom needs to be redone. Get halfway through the demolition portion of the remodel, accidentally punch a huge hole in the wall with a hammer then sob uncontrollably at your lack of mechanical skills while sitting on the edge of tub. Call your plumber friend to clean up your mess. Make light of your predicament with him then backhandedly belittle his profession saying something like “Man, I’m sure glad I can afford to just pay for a guy like you to come in here. Hoo boy, this is some shitty work, I’ll tell ya.”

6. Ask a teenaged relative about the music they are currently listening to. Make comments like “Geez, the band names these days!” while he or she names a few of the artists. Ask if they’ve ever heard of Soundgarden.

7. Really enjoy reading Tom Clancy, Stephen King and Dean R. Koontz novels. Get a subscription to Playboy.

8. Start golfing and buy an outrageously expensive set of clubs. Make sure you never shoot better than a 90.

9. Play in a rec basketball or softball league. Wear a brace on one knee even if you don’t need it. At some point during the season get into a heated argument with a ref or umpire over a call; an argument so bilious, ugly and–most importantly–meaningless to the game’s outcome that your teammates will question whether to ask you to play again the next year.

10. Make sure people know that you don’t know what to do in a kitchen at all, even if you have to go out of your way to do so. For instance, while at a casual party at the home of friends loudly ask “Hey, what’s this thing for?” while pointing at the coffeemaker or the dish scrubber.

Pat O’Brien