Category: Foods
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A Love Letter to These Fuckin’ Lil’ Weenies
My Dearest Lil’ Weenies, When I saw you at the grocery store prior to my drive up north for a nice long weekend in a warm cabin, I knew it was meant to be. There you were, near-ish the bacon and just above the cheddarwursts in the refrigerated back wall section where they also inexplicably…
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5 Fun Ideas for Those Thanksgiving Leftovers!
Happy end of the beginning of the holidays, readers! The extended family has gone home, all your cleverest strategic hiding spots for bottles of booze around the house have been depleted, and you’ve got a refrigerator full of enough food to feed four more families. Here are some fun and clever ideas on how to…
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Suggested rebrands for foods with image problems
Beef supreme sandwiches If you like hamburgers, you’ll love beef supremes. Imagine a burger where the sauce isn’t dripped on top, but instead cooked in to the meat. Leave the silly size race—quarter-pound, third-pound, half-pound—behind: with a beef supreme, you can pile as much meat as you want onto the bun. Since the sandwich’s savory filling comes…
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What Your Choice of Drinking Water Says About You
Tap water: You’re walking around annoying everyone by saying in a loud Larry David voice, “That’s right, nothing like a glass of that good ol’ tap! WATAHHHH!” Water from a Brita pitcher: When someone goes to take a glass of water straight from the tap, you look at him as though he’s just dipped his glass…
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Ten Reasons Why I Will Never Be Unhappy In a Jamba Juice
The cool, or warm, climate: the corporate-backed promise that I will never be made to sweat or shiver unnecessarily while I choose, purchase, and consume my smoothie. The positive yet calming yellow-and-green color scheme, designed to make me feel healthy and centered. The grass. I like to consider it a little lawn—just enough lawn, really.…
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Reviews of the Last 5 Things I Ate
McDonald’s Chipotle Barbecue Snack Wrap with Grilled Chicken: The concept of ‘snack items’ at fast food restaurants always makes me wary. “You mean I can come to your restaurant NOT at meals and eat fast food then too?” How else will they work themselves into my day? A bedtime McFlurry full of Ambien? Fish filet-flavored toothpaste? I…