Tap water: You’re walking around annoying everyone by saying in a loud Larry David voice, “That’s right, nothing like a glass of that good ol’ tap! WATAHHHH!”

Water from a Brita pitcher: When someone goes to take a glass of water straight from the tap, you look at him as though he’s just dipped his glass into a public urinal.

Water from a water cooler at work: Your CFO thinks you drink way too much water. Like, an unhealthy amount of water.

Water from a water cooler at home: Your neighbors look out their windows when the delivery truck pulls up at your house each week, and they just shake their damn heads.

Bottled water: Your parents either (a) can’t understand why you need to pay five dollars for something that comes free out of the tap or (b) bought it for you as what they construe to be a clever ploy to keep you from drinking soda.

Flavored seltzer water: You’re definitely not addicted. You can stop any time you want. You can stop any time you want, okay?!?!

Unflavored seltzer water: You’re at a restaurant, wondering if the water is going to show up on your bill.

Vitaminwater: You’re never more than 20 feet from a yoga mat.

Any other brand of enhanced water: You’re reviewing it for your blog.

Water with Crystal Light: Either you’re about to add vodka to that, or—don’t lie—you already did.

A sip from a drinking fountain: Congratulations, you just caught Hepatitis A.

Water from the gallon jug you carry around with you at all times: You think that the United Nations is conspiring with extraterrestrial powers to steal Earth’s resources and transport them to a distant planet where world leaders, barons of finance, Tom Cruise, and their immediate family members will live in comfort while the rest of us are left to fend for ourselves in a barren post-apocalyptic hell. When you turn out to be absolutely right, the rest of us will all be lining up to prostitute ourselves for a sip of that sweet, sweet nectar.

– Jay Gabler