Rick Santorums in your home or on your property need to be on all the time to alert you and your family of any threats to God’s favorite country. But if your Rick Santorum starts going off accidentally, you will need to dismantle him. Every Rick Santorum secular siren is designed slightly differently, but you can turn off the alarm within minutes after locating his battery and disengaging his misconnected circuits.

Instructions
1. Remove Rick Santorum’s cover. Inside you should find a gelatinous substance surrounded by froth and popcorn jelly beans. Twist open your Rick Santorum to fully reveal his motherboard.

2. Look for a small black switch on the side of Rick Santorum. This switch is a test to see if you are looking for an easy way to destroy a human life. Pressing this switch will send a signal to your gynecologist’s office adding one more invasive procedure to your next visit.

3. Unplug your Rick Santorum. His mouth will continue to move for up to 4 minutes. Simply drown him out by listening to YouTube clips of Mitt Romney or 90’s band The Cranberries. Both of these activities will cause a mild acid to leak from his circuits, speeding up the short-circuiting process.

4. Remove Rick Santorum’s battery. Place it in an ice bath with a splash of vinegar, to replicate holy water. Watch by the windows until the accelerated winds and orange tint of the sky disappear, signaling the storm of sin is over. Place the battery back into the Santorum and prepare for the next threat to God’s nation.

–Becky Lang