Ironic Ways to Celebrate Valentine’s Day

Ironic Ways to Celebrate Valentine’s Day

Take a date out for drinks, dinner, bowling, and then…whatever happens next! Don’t tell him you’re married.

Give a big box of chocolates to your ex’s dog and hope that the dog dies.

Put Barry White on the stereo and scrub the toilet.

Wait in the park, and when couples pass by in horse-drawn carriages, spatter them with glue, yelling, “No one cares where last year’s horse went, do they?!”

Play Cupid, but with real arrows.

Pose for a “boudoir photo shoot” during which you receive Jimmy John’s delivery, seduce the delivery guy, cry, and eat the sandwich. Post the photos on Facebook.

Firebomb a Paper Source.

Buy a box of Dora the Explorer valentines, and put them in their little envelopes with prescription painkillers. Hand them out to all your happily married friends and their children.

Swallow a dozen long-stemmed roses, stems included.

Go to a singles night and bring a hot hookup home. Lock him to your bed with erotic fluffy handcuffs. Drizzle him playfully with honey, and then leave him locked there and move to Brazil.

Jay Gabler