Dress the part. I’m 87% certain sequins are required for a nightclub. If possible, make sure your skirt is insanely short, so you have to keep pulling it down all night. Wear heels that are taller than your head because guys will think it’s cute when you stumble into them on the dance floor. From what I gather, nightclub attire is not supposed to be reasonable; it’s supposed to accidentally expose your breasts and cooch at opportune moments.
Grind. Just shove your ass in there. Where? Anywhere. (Preferably on someone else.) Do you feel a boner yet? Then you’re not trying hard enough. Grinding his hips doesn’t count; if you’re not in danger of getting pregnant, you’re looking like an amateur. If you’re with a bunch of your girlfriends, make a grinding sandwich until a guido approaches and provides his crotch.
Start drama. See that girl over there? She’s totally checking out your date. Pull her hair and maybe pour your drink down her dress. Not applicable? Accuse your man of grinding on another girl. Ignore him for the rest of the night or grind on another guy while maintaining intense eye contact with your man. Disappear so he’ll come after you and find you in a dark corner booth with another guy’s arm around you. Make him chase you down the street and pay for the cab ride home.
Work the pole. Every nightclub has stripper poles, and there aren’t any signs posted saying, “Must have a BMI under 20 and know what you’re doing.” Get up there and pretend you’re being paid. If you can pull off the one-legged spin, you’re golden for the rest of the night. (But you’ll feel it in the morning.)
Take shots. Those girls walking around with trays of drinks, clad in bras and booty shorts? They know you need to be drunk to do any of the above. Buy as many Scooby Snacks as you can carry, chug them without breathing and then forget about your boyfriend.
– Heidi Thomasoni had a different kind of Saturday night and lived to tell about it.
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