I have never seen or watched a Harry Potter. Whoa, whoa, whoa…. refrain from throwing the nearest unanchored object at the computer. I have nothing against Mr. HP, I’ve just never really had any interest in the series and the thought of having to digest seven increasingly voluminous books and ten years worth of movies seemed a little daunting.
That said, everybody and their mom (literally) has indulged in a little Potter action, so I have heard some things about it simply by being a living human who goes out in public. Here are all the things I know about Harry Potter:
1. There is some kind of broomstick game that is both recreational and scary. Seems like they play it for fun but someone always almost dies? Are the brooms alive, too?
2. There is a really happy and helpful old guy who turns out to be gay but then someone kills him. ;(
3. The meanest character has a name you aren’t ever supposed to say and I can’t remember precisely what it is, maybe for that reason, but it sounds kind of like some sort of natural root supplement you would find at the hippie version of GNC.
4. Harry is half real boy and half… magic? Witch? Wizard? Something like that. This makes him a muggle. See, I know things! Okay shit I was just corrected. Apparently muggles are the regular people. I was thinking like half-and-half crossbreed was muggle cuz, you know, puggle? Half pug, half beagle? See where my brain went there?
5. Harry has two friends named Ron and Herm….something. They start off as platonic BFFs but then Herm and Ron fall in love and Harry falls in love with Ron’s little sister who is named Ginger I think.
6. There is this little white-blonde asshole who basically just swarms around Harry to piss him off but chances are he is going to win in the end because he is, like, ten thousand times more attractive than Harry and also has magic too so it’s pretty obvious who’s gonna be banging the other non-muggles at Deathly Hollows Night Club in a few years.
7. All of the kids are separated into dorms that have really dumbass sounding Lord Of The Rings-type names and apparently what house you live in is significant for some reason but the significance is lost on me. It’s like, “Oh, I live in Gobbledeegook, I must be super evil on the inside but no one will know for 5,000 pages!”
8. Helena Bonham Carter is in the movie(s). No idea who her character is but I bet she is hot.
9. Harry’s family hates him because he is a weirdo magical creep but it’s not his real parents it’s like his aunt and uncle or something cuz maybe the guy without a name killed his parents? So they send him away and there is some episode involving a train and then he ends up at magic camp. Also, is there an owl?
10. Okay I ran out of things cuz like I said, I know nothing about Harry Potter, so now I am playing HP Word Association and the word I was given was “boggart” which obviously must be the scary trolls that guard the drawbridge to the art dorm. Which is called Picasodale or Frodoville or some shit like that.
—Sarah Heuer feels impressed she actually came up with nine things.