The dry cleaner who put his shirt on a hanger instead of in a box. That’s gay.

His cat who knocked over the rhododendron. Gay!

The guy who made his collection of feather boas. That guy’s got to be gay.

The ketchup he spilled on his pants. Damnit! So gay.

The “It’s a Small World” ride at Disney World. All those little animatronic peeps are gay—all of them.

Stupid wireless mic, never works when you goddamn need it to. Gay, gay, gay.

Clay Aiken. Gay, right?

Danger Mouse. What a gay name.

Those square watermelons. What a gay idea.

Lil B. Gaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

The syrup caddy at IHOP. No boysenberry syrup? That’s gay!

Ross and Rachel. Gay.

Chess. What a gay game.

His penis, because he can’t see it.

– Jay Gabler, Becky Lang, Emily Weiss, and Jason Zabel