Thoughts I’ve Had While Giving a Blow Job

He could choke me so easily right now.

Oh my god, there’s a penis in my mouth. The last thing in my mouth was a chicken quesadilla.
Hopefully a toothbrush will be next.

Can he feel my teeth? God. I hope not. I’ll… put my lips over them. Can he still feel them?

My jaw feels like it’s being pried open by a machine. What if I can never close my mouth again?

What if I bit down right now?
What if I stopped, put all my clothes back on, and left?

I wish he would feel my tits or something.
Would it be slutty for me to guide his hands to my tits?

Tips from every Cosmo I’ve ever read. There are no ice cubes around. But, okay, I can lick “my guy’s” dick like it’s a popsicle.

Eye contact is supposed to be really hot, but I honestly couldn’t move my neck if I wanted to. Ow.
My hand. Where is my hand? Oh right, asleep. Ow.

I hope I’m doing this okay. Should I stop and ask? He’ll probably just grunt or something. Which is hot. I’ll do it. I’ll ask.

Ahh, a grunt. Awesome. I am a goddess.

What if my parents could see this? They’d be horrified. When I was little I thought my parents could read my mind. Maybe they can.
Will they be able to read my mind next time I see them? Will they know I recently had a dick in my mouth?
Oh my god, I hope my mom never sucked my dad’s dick.
Am I sick for thinking about my parents right now?

When will this be over?
I’m okay with cum in my mouth.
I just don’t want it making my hair crusty.

- Jen Wasserman


Photo by Terry Richardson, duh.

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  • App

    This is a hilarious article. I have to share this on FB and grill my wife about this one…

  • tim

    Your just not that into oral sex…too in your head! (no pun intended) connect with ur passion! Damn!

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  • Aria

    -Wow, this is strangely more clear after having been drinking. All this reminds me of is gay porn. Oh god, no self control. Want to laugh because of gay porn. Can’t laugh at this guys dick. Fuck fuck fuck.
    -Stop pulling on my fucking hair, we are not in a fucking porno.
    -If you want to just yank my head up and down why am I giving you a blowjob, get a damn fleshlight.
    -and finally: God this is why I’m a lesbian. Worst experiment ever. Fuck you, science.

  • N. Likes

    I think you should rss my answer to this.

    http://mydissolutelife.com/2012/07/what-im-thinking/

  • RJ

    And now I know why I’m straight. My brain decided thinking like this 24/7 without having dicks in my mouth will suffice…
    LMAO.

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  • Horatio Postlethwaite

    This is awesome. Although next time I get a blow job I’m going to be thinking if she is thinking these things…