TV Show: Lost

I watched every episode of this show, just because people were talking about it like it was the most cerebral, complex and mind-blowing thing to ever hit television. Ok, I thought, so it’s roughly twenty insanely attractive people, a guy so overweight he gives them some kind of cosmic balance, and a politically incorrect Iraqi torturer character, clearly played by an Indian man. Lots of them are named after philosophers, which is kind of a lame and obvious way to seem deep, but maybe they’ll use it cleverly as the show goes on (nope). I thought the ending might redeem the whole thing, but instead they just all climbed into a church and got paired off into cute couples. Fuck that.

Author: Henry David Thoreau

He was a rich white guy who didn’t pay his taxes, went to jail for one night, got bailed out by either his aunt or his way cooler friend Emerson, and then wrote a reflection on being a “civil disobedient.” I’m sorry, but objectively that’s like Snooki falling asleep on the curb and then writing about how hard it is to be homeless. Beyond that, Thoreau wrote Walden – the book people reference when they talk about how society is just so toxic, sigh, why can’t we all just retire to the woods and hang out with ants? Go for it, I’ll hang out here, on the internet, drinking a bloody mary.

Band: LCD Soundsystem

This is hard to pinpoint, because there are so many overrated bands, but I’m going to just listen to my heart and say LCD Soundsystem. Admittedly, sometimes I’m late to the game in figuring out why a band is “totally the shit,” and then two years after they become cool I start playing their album in my car. But no matter how hard I try with LCD Soundsystem, I just don’t get it. They’re making fun of a white, American, self-conscious yet completely indulgent lifestyle in a way that glorifies it with so much bravado that it just seems hypocritical. Do you hate yourself or love yourself, James Murphy? Cuz I don’t get it.

Movie: 21 Grams

I heard a lot about this movie before seeing it. Mostly it was people packing a second bowl, saying, “So, it’s a scientific fact that when you die you become 21 grams lighter, and that’s probably – unless there’s some better explanation … do you have one? No? Then it’s your soul.” So I kind of thought this movie would be like a 5th Element flick – an action movie with some kind of cheesy but interesting philosophical takeaway that gains critical acclaim simply through good storytelling. (Although in saying this, I’m realizing I didn’t really like that movie either. Isn’t the fifth element “love” or something lame like that?) So when I finally saw 21 Grams, I was disappointed to find it was a mostly humorless, “get ready to suffer!” flick that makes you feel guilty for not loving it because by saying you were unimpressed you seem totally passionless and insensitive. Well, call me those things. I didn’t dig it.

Drug: Weed

Ok, let’s be honest. I haven’t done many drugs in my day. I’m not necessarily the go-to person for this. I just said weed to piss people off, because I know so many people out there love their mary jane with all their hearts. And weed totally smells bad.

–Becky Lang