Why you want one:They’ll sit inside and read Dostoevsky with you on a rainy day, they’re good curators of interests and they’ll find something interesting to do and plan the whole date out (to the second).
Spoiler Alert: Icy-cold exterior.
Where to find one: Any independent or used bookstore in a trendy neighborhood on a Friday night. Typically they’ll be there before heading to a small divey but not too divey bar to have a moderately pretentious microbrew with their one other friend.
Pickup technique: Ask them about Rilke, social justice, chai tea.
Why you want one: They’re warm, friendly, and very concerned about your happiness.
Spoiler Alert: You’ll always be surrounded by a lot of people, not really for homebodies.
Where to find one: At a party they are hosting for their friends in their home. They’re busy making sure everyone is happy, and stressing out about nonexistent riffs between their guests.
Pickup technique: Ask to help, compliment how much fun everyone is having. Tell them some juicy gossip. Try not to feel bad when they have to give attention to all the other plebey party guests.
Why you want one:Know Jeremy Piven in Entourage? Sometimes it just feels good to be around an asshole.
Spoiler Alert: Followed to its logical conclusion, this personality type can also be called ‘sociopathic.’
Where to find one: The clubbiest of clubs, near edge of the dancefloor where they’re looking to shove their tongue down someone’s throat for awhile and then have some aggressive sex before they leave without saying anything.
Pickup technique: Maybe the easiest to pickup, just try to look good and get in their line of vision. Be aggressive.
Why you want one: Not really sure you do? Maybe you’re an ISTP or ISTJ yourself. Maybe you have really low self-esteem and don’t feel like you ‘deserve’ someone interesting.
Spoiler Alert: Boring. Probably cares about things like ‘baking’ and ‘crafting.’
Where to find one: Jesus, I don’t even know, doing something really boring by themselves. Buying tax prep software at Best Buy? On a long solo walk in the woods?
Pickup technique: Is anyone really interested in this?
Why you want one: Might be a more reliable fuck buddy than an ESTP.
Spoiler Alert: Kind of boring, possibly sexually attracted to day planners.
Where to find one: Out with their friends, policing the fun.
Pickup technique: Make a really boring and unnecessary statement about the progress of the night. Show them your day planner + coding system.
Why you want one: Passionate, unpredictable, absolutely always interesting.
Spoiler Alert: Not loyal to people or ideologies. One day it’s yoga, the next it’s kickboxing. One day it’s Theravada Buddhism, the next it’s Assemblies of God. This applies to their romantic life.
Where to find one: The clubbiest of clubs, in the middle of the dancefloor, possibly on X.
Pickup technique: Wear some bright colors, talk about how you bathed in the Ganges to get salvation, give them drugs, promise to get tantric. Beware of passionate yet very sloppy kisses.
Why you want one:They’ll read you poetry and rub your back while you fall asleep, they have the most comfortable beds.
Spoiler Alert: May suffocate you with intensity. May cry during a commercial for McDonald’s.
Where to find one: Getting existential at some dive bar with a small but intense looking group of people who all look remotely like someone who used to babysit you.
Pickup technique: Say you think care ethics is an overlooked school of thought or that you ‘really resonate’ with Joni Mitchell or anything else deep + nice sounding.
Why you want one: They’re warm, easy to like, and fun to be around.
Spoiler Alert: They are only ever motivated by what will get them the most amounts of attention possible. This gets old.
Where to find one: Hanging with their bros at a bar, being as loud as possible, telling hilarious jokes, bein’ a bro.
Pickup technique: Challenge them to a game. Preferably fetch, as there is no distinguishable difference between an ESFP and a labrador retriever.
Why you want one: They’re the perfect person to talk about your work dramz with over a game of tennis. They’re smiley and cute and really good at interior decorating.
Spoiler Alert: They don’t mature past the age of 15.
Where to find one: Hanging with their one bro at a bar, probably not talking but smiling and and genuinely enjoying themselves.
Pickup technique: Talk about animals and/or children. Make a comment about aesthetics in some capacity, except don’t use the word ‘aesthetics’ because they won’t know what it means.
Why you want one: They’re really smart and make up for being awkward + not really sexy by having a lot of interesting things to say.
Spoiler Alert: You’ll get tired of them making jokes about ninjas and Lord of the Rings. Probable addiction to World of Warcraft.
Where to find one: At their friend’s house drinking whiskey Cokes and watching Shark Week on the Discovery Channel.
Pickup technique: Wear something slutty + talk about science/robots/the singularity.
Why you want one: They have the best circle of smart and interesting friends, they’re laidback, they give great advice.
Spoiler Alert: They’ll never put another person ahead of their own interests, self-involved.
Where to find one: Out with their friends at a bar they take issue with for one reason or another (cf: hipster), but enjoying themselves as long as everyone knows they’re too smart for whatever beneath-them drinking game is going on.
Pickup technique: Intersperse non-sequitor jokes and puns with douchey statements like ‘Thomas Pynchon is the only funny postmoderist.’
Why you want one: It’s kind of intoxicating to be around someone this smart and serious. It’s really sexy for as long as you can go without getting compliments/any affirmation that they like you back.
Spoiler Alert: Oblivious misers.
Where to find one: Home alone, reading something really interesting, generally not giving a fuck.
Pickup technique: Figure out what they’re interested in and make insightful comments. Don’t expect any affirmation or acknowledgment that they heard you.
Why you want one: They’ll give you great advice and push you to follow through on it.
Spoiler Alert: Loud talkers, stubborn, make black-and-white decisions.
Where to find one: At a weird event with their friends. Like ‘Julius and Ethel Rosenberg discussion group’ type weird. They’re the one taking notes or serving a pretentious dish.
Pickup techniques: Make aggressive but smart statements. Talk about why you’re right. Use historical examples but also throw in something about Aqua Teen Hunger Force.
Why you want one: Literally your standard bro or prototypical ‘wife material.’
Spoiler alert: They’re not that interesting. They’re mega-sensitive but not likely to be able to communicate why. And not in the brooding, artsy way, in the self-righteous way.
Where to find one: Hanging with their bros, they’re the one with their cell clipped to their belt and their shirt tucked in.
Pickup techniques: Tell them why their sports team of choice ‘deserved’ to make the playoffs because they really ‘wanted it.’
Why you want one: They will never leave you, they will thanklessly and silently run your life.
Spoiler alert: Wet blankets aren’t sexy.
Where to find one: eHarmony
Pickup techniques: God I don’t know, just be normal and send them a private message that says, “Hey, how was your weekend,” that should do it. (We initially completely forgot about this type and left them out by accident if that’s any indication.)