As you may have noticed, I am gone. I have left you with my most treasured belonging—my igloo house. Do not panic; I c..
Dress the part. I’m 87% certain sequins are required for a nightclub. If possible, make sure your skirt is insanely short, so you have..
Why She Never Locks Her Window. Clarissa, it doesn’t matter if you’re living in a suburb in Ohio; there are creepers everywhere. ..
Q: What did the ADP molecule say to the phosphate? A: You complete me.
Q: What did the water molecule say to Photosystem II? A..
-Mood music is playing all the time.
-Interns are constantly having sex with each other, but they are still prone to sexually ..
11:13 AM. Start walking to festival. Pose by Harpo Studios. Shout, “Oprah!”
12:00 PM. Stop for a bloody mary and b..
–Heidi Thomasoni used to kiss photos of Devon Sawa til she wore a hole in the page.
Pick out a flag-themed shirt from Old Navy, Walmart, or Kohl’s. If you’re a grown man, rip off the sleeves to show o..
The Beatles, “Fuck Me Do”
Stevie Wonder, “I Just Called to Say I’d Fuck You”
Whitney Houston, “I Will Always Fuck You”
Fleetwood Mac, “..
-Toilet paper is pointless.
-It’s “Justin Beaver.” Duh.
-Peas and corn can only be eaten with my fingers.
-I can buy any..
Hey, bald dude from The Fray. Is it alright if I call you “Fray?” Because it’s not worth my time to google you. This song came on..
Hey! You’re right! That’s a pretty cute baby you’ve got there. Yes, I can see that it’s adorable when it sucks on its bottle. Gue..