Heidi Thomasoni
TagHardships of a Preschool Guinea Pig: An Open Letter
Hello, Miss.
As you may have noticed, I am gone. I have left you with my most treasured belonging—my igloo house. Do not panic; I c..
How to Fit In at a Nightclub
Dress the part. I’m 87% certain sequins are required for a nightclub. If possible, make sure your skirt is insanely short, so you have..
10 Things Clarissa Never Explained
Why She Never Locks Her Window. Clarissa, it doesn’t matter if you’re living in a suburb in Ohio; there are creepers everywhere. ..
Bad Science Jokes From A Bad[ass] Scientist
Q: What did the ADP molecule say to the phosphate? A: You complete me.
Q: What did the water molecule say to Photosystem II? A..
What I Know About Medicine From Suffering Through Grey’s Anatomy
-Mood music is playing all the time.
-Interns are constantly having sex with each other, but they are still prone to sexually ..
What I’d Be Doing At Pitchfork If I Could Have Gone This Year
Saturday
11:13 AM. Start walking to festival. Pose by Harpo Studios. Shout, “Oprah!”
12:00 PM. Stop for a bloody mary and b..
How to Have A Celebrity Crush: Then and Now
–Heidi Thomasoni used to kiss photos of Devon Sawa til she wore a hole in the page.
How to Celebrate Independence Day Like A True American
The Prep:
Pick out a flag-themed shirt from Old Navy, Walmart, or Kohl’s. If you’re a grown man, rip off the sleeves to show o..
What pop music history would have looked like if Enrique Iglesias’s “Tonight (I’m Fucking/Loving You)” language split had been available in previous generations
The Beatles, “Fuck Me Do”
Stevie Wonder, “I Just Called to Say I’d Fuck You”
Whitney Houston, “I Will Always Fuck You”
Fleetwood Mac, “..
What I’ve Learned From Preschoolers
-Toilet paper is pointless.
-It’s “Justin Beaver.” Duh.
-Peas and corn can only be eaten with my fingers.
-I can buy any..
The Fray Lied About Saving Lives
Hey, bald dude from The Fray. Is it alright if I call you “Fray?” Because it’s not worth my time to google you. This song came on..
My Cat is Better Than Your Baby
Hey! You’re right! That’s a pretty cute baby you’ve got there. Yes, I can see that it’s adorable when it sucks on its bottle. Gue..