How To Be an Average Looking Female
1. Wear jeans with everything. It will become really obvious, and people will comment on it, and when they do you can respond that it’s j..
Gauntlet Thrown: 14 Truly, Seriously, Terrifyingly Unflattering Pictures of Me
My fellow Tangentialers (Tangentialors? Tangentialites? Tangentialists? Whatever.) seem to think they’ve got what it takes to produce an u..
Worst Lunch Box Notes Ever
Roger Ailes:
Darling,
If you see that little fucker Ted Turner’s kid at school, tell him I think Joseph Goebbels would have really admire..
Six Reasons Why You Should Probably Call Your Grandma Right Now
1. You just got a girlfriend. If anybody wants to know this, it’s your grandma. Since your birth she has been counting down the days unt..
A Blogger's Reality Show Pitch
Dear Executives of TV Station That Used To Play Real Music:
Hello! My name is Katie and I am a blogger. I am also a student, a dog own..
Excerpts from an Episode of Intervention, Hosted by Sarah and Katie
Sarah and Katie are giving Intervention an intervention after watching an entire season in one sitting.
John: Hi, my name is John. I ..
Apologies to My Mother
Mother:
1. I’m sorry people mistook me for a boy in 3rd grade. It must have been a little disconcerting that the female offspring y..
What Do You Mean, You Don’t Remember?
You seriously don’t remember last night? Jesus, it was fucking crazy as shit. Yeah you did drink a ton; it figures you would have large ..
A Letter to the Bus Driver Who Left Me at Franklin and Lyndale
Dear Mr. Bus Driver Man:
Let me preface this by saying that you’re probably a really great guy. You probably have two and a half very n..
Hell Ramp of Tears and Fury: Tales from the Overpass across the Street
I was six when my mom remarried. She has since divorced again, which I always feel obligated to point out when I mention her second marri..
News from the Future! Zachary Jackson Levon Furnish-John Sues Fathers, Life Not “Batman-y” Enough
Zachary Jackson Levon Furnish-John, son of Elton John and David Furnish, filed suit shortly after his eighteenth birthday against his fa..
You Love Me? Prove It with Food
You love me? Wow, thanks. I really appreciate that. I mean, that’s really super great to hear. Very nice words, “I love you.” A little si..