Sexting, According to a Neurotic Beginner
The other night I received a random text message from a girl I haven’t seen in years who simply wrote: “Just so you know, I think you are ..
Confessions of a Presidential Fitness Test Underachiever
I was talking to some former fat kids the other day, sharing horror stories about the Presidential Fitness Test in elementary school. Ev..
How to Spot a Goatfucker
One of the biggest surprises upon moving to the city was that people thought it would be odd that I would know how to spot a goatfucker…
5 Lies Songwriters Use to Get Unsuspecting Fans To Sleep With Them
1. This song was inspired by you/ex-girlfriend/national tragedy. Ok, so there are lone exceptions (Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young writi..
How to Read the Secret Sexual Codes Coming from That Person Sitting by You at Starbucks
-“Is this seat taken?”: You want me to know that you respect my space, and should whatever happens here between us today—what ever cra..
10 Best Things About Having a U.S. Military Veteran For a Roommate
1. He’ll buy you shots of tequila, no questions asked, nor requests made. This is because he has a wad of money in his pocket thanks t..
Baddest Ass Bands to Have On Your T-Shirt in Middle School, Circa 1997
Pantera—This kid named Louie dropped out of parochial school and came to our lowly public school where the ceiling tiles dropped and ..
Sometimes My Grunders…
Sometimes my Grunders are fresh.
And sometimes my Grunders are two days in a row.
Sometimes my Grunders find their way into sneaky..
Worst Things Music Reviewers Do
Talk about themselves. No one cares that you were 15 minutes early to the interview at Applebees and learned the server’s name and had..
How to Not Get Squashed by an Angry Buffalo
First, you and your girlfriend at the time will need to decide to go visit her family’s buffalo herd out in the Black Hills on New Yea..
Things NASA Scientists Should Do Now That the Space Shuttles Are Done
• Purchase space LEGOs, make big space shuttle launch pads in their parents’ basements, and cry themselves to sleep each night in deep..
If a Top 40 DJ Went to Work for Minnesota Public Radio
On News: Hey is this thing on? Turn me up! Turn me up, Johnny! Yo, it’s DJ Lazer, no rant, no slant, just making puddles in your pants..