Ten Beers That Are Totally Worth the Hype
Natural Ice
In a glass it’s nearly translucent, like you filled an empty yellow Gatorade bottle with water. But, don’t be fooled: this beer packs a lot of flavor. Specifically, it tastes the way your bathroom floor smells after a party. There’s plenty for your palate to sample here: the goopy bottoms of Converse sneakers, stale urine, residual puke stain, condom residue, and more spilled Natty Ice. A cocktail of flavor that will have your taste buds YOLOing for more. This beer is good, even great if you get it fresh, but still a notch below Hamm’s.
Olde English
Beer or cleaning agent? This dual-purpose adult beverage gives whiffs of Pine Sol and sun-dried lawn bags, making it ideal for scrubbing hardwood or scrubbing your palate. The bottle is shatterproof and made of plastic, so you can bang it against your head and only hurt your chances of getting laid. Olde English: America’s favorite malt liquor and the perfect partner on Sunday Funday.
Bud Light
This beer pours a faded parking-line yellow and smells like cafeteria creamed corn, which might be an excellent conversation starter at the next group gathering. Bud Light is best enjoyed when found in a red cup with no name on it, but you can also savor spilled sips off a beer pong table. Pairs well with dirty ping pong balls, cigarette ash, and 7-11 Taquitos. Overall, Bud has made a good light beer, but it’s no match for Hamm’s.
Pabst Blue Ribbon
As my bunk uncle says, “If it ain’t PBR, it ain’t PBR.” I don’t know what that means, but I do know this beer is drinkable at nearly any temperature. Throw it in the snow on the porch until it’s near freezing; this will mitigate any potential taste profile. Or, let it simmer in your shed or garage during the dog days of summer. This helps bring out the flavors of dead field grass and skunky gym socks. You can even age a 24-pack in the trunk of your car; just let bang around for a few months until the case is sunbeaten and the cardboard smashed. Remember to drink it as fast as you can, the less that touches your tongue the better.
Miller Genuine Draft 64
This is my favorite chaser for any combination of the following: Malort, Jim Beam, Jose Cuervo Especial, Bacardi 151, Chivas Regal, and Canadian Mist. Less calories = less taste, but who’s complaining? If you’re on a diet or if it’s cutting season at the gym, then this is the best beer to quaff.
Busch Light
Smells like your gym bag and tastes like your friend’s gym bag. Busch Light has been bringing friends together since 8th grade. The more cans you drink, the more it tastes like your friend drank it and then spit it back in the can. It pours a pale yellow, like drunk-after-sex urine and smoothly fuels questionable decisions.
Guinness
Literally the heaviest beer in the world. It smells like grandpa’s cigars and tastes like his garage. It’s sludge. But I drink it because he was Irish and I’m like 1/29th Irish, so it’s family tradition. I’ve had an Irish car bomb once, because my older brother made me on my 21st. I blacked out.
Milwaukee’s Best
Smells like the CTA Red Line, tastes great with my protein. I get mad gains mixing it in my shaker, which I typically do on the Red Line after getting in a pump at the gym by my work. More like Milwaukee’s Beast, am I right?
Heineken
I once used a combination of vegetable oil, baking powder, and water as an egg substitute for pot brownies. Those were desperate times. That was back in my 20s. Now, my fridge is always stocked with eggs and delicious Heinekens. It smells like schwag and looks like the liquid in my cat’s drinking bowl. I’m on cloud number nine number nine number nine number nine number nine number nine. You get the Beatles reference, right?
Hamm’s
It’s hard to find, but if you can get your hands on a case, guard it with your life.