Mr. Jarndyce

Pros:
Rich
Patient
Okay-looking, for his age

Cons:
Slow to warm up
Likes to call lovers “Little Woman” (or, presumably, “Little Man”)
Informs you he’s aroused by murmuring, “The wind is most definitely coming from the south.”

Esther Summerson

Pros:
Inherited her mother’s hot bod
Down for anything
Thanks you effusively—for everything

Cons:
Smallpox scarring
Never tells you what she wants in bed
Has a suspiciously close female “companion”; she swears it’s platonic, even though she calls her companion “my darling”

Lawrence Boythorn

Pros:
Great sense of humor
Pretty rich
Great if you’re into bears

Cons:
Creepy name
Always late
Snores like a rusty chainsaw

Lady Dedlock

Pros:
Totally hot
Super rich
Has that ice-queen noblewoman allure

Cons:
Lots of annoying relatives
Gives your junk a witheringly dismissive look
Really bad at disguising herself for secret meet-ups

Harold Skimpole

Pros:
Musically talented
Tall
Usually wearing nightshirt for easy access

Cons:
Always makes you pick up the check
Married
His surname is all too accurate

Inspector Bucket

Pros:
He’s the life of the party
Knows everyone’s secrets
Stays up all night

Cons:
Never goes to the gym
Reads your mail
Likes to wag his “fat little finger,” and yes, that’s a euphemism

Krook

Pros:
Always has booze in stock
Good gossip
His place is conveniently located for quick hook-ups between chancery cases

Cons:
Old
Smells bad
Erupts in flames when he comes

– Jay Gabler