The Easter Bunny tries to get laid

The Easter Bunny tries to get laid



“Great party, huh?”

“I guess. Kind of crowded.”

“Well, steal a pile of lettuce, and that’s what you’ll get! I was actually on the garden run. I mean, I didn’t go in—that was all Peter—but I stood watch. It was very cool. McGregor never suspected a thing.”


“So…what do you do?”


“Sure. What do you do here in the warren?”

“I’m just a doe, dude.”

“Right. Sure. So, basically eating and sleeping and digging, then?”

“What the hell did you think I did, play a bass drum? Yeah, dude! Eat, sleep, dig, fuck.”

“Oh…yes, of course! I suppose you’re…”

“In heat, yeah.”

“Oh, really? I had no idea!”

“Uh huh.”

“I’m sorry, I’ve just been a little distracted. I just…well, I have kind of a special job. It’s not really a big deal or anything, but…you know. Just a thing I do.”

“What’s that?”

“Well, I’m just…the Easter Bunny. Like I said, not a big deal or anything.”

“What the hell is that?”

“The Easter Bunny? Oh, it just means I hop around the world on the first Sunday after the full moon that occurs on or soonest after March 21. I mean, not the whole world, obviously, ha ha! Just the parts that believe in a guy who was supposedly the Son of God and then rose from the dead to redeem all human life. Well, actually it’s more like the parts that believe in me, which isn’t exactly the same thing, but…I’m sorry, I must be boring you.”


“It’s just a thing I do. You know, my dad did it and his dad did it…it’s just one of those family things. Does your family have any crazy things they do? Like, I dunno, when they’re in heat or whatever?”

“What do you hop around the world for, dude? Just for the exercise?”

“Well, ha ha, yes, that, but also I bring gifts. Chocolate, mostly, but also some toys and things. Just…you know, kind of whatever.”

“How the hell do you carry all that shit?”

“Well, baskets, mostly.”

“Uh huh. And you just leave this stuff out for the humans?”

“Well, actually…I hide it!”

“You hide it?”

“Yes! Yes! I hide it!”


“I…well…I don’t know…just for fun, I guess?”

“For fun?”

“Yeah. You know…for fun!”

“I actually don’t know, dude. I told you, I eat, sleep, and fuck.”

“Right. Got it. Any, uh…kits, then?”

“Nah. I got knocked up last year, but food was scarce, so I ended up reabsorbing the fetuses.”

“Oh! I’m sorry to hear that.”

“Don’t be. Best thing that ever happened to me. The dad was an asshole. Guy had no game. He just wanted to fuck like bunny rabbits.”


“So, we gonna do this?”

“Do…excuse me?”

“Are we gonna mate or what? Might as well be you instead of that creepster who’s been checking me out from the corner of the den, just slowly chewing on that stick. Oh, God! He just winked.”

“Okay, yeah, sure! Should we go to your place?”

“No, dude, I live with my sisters. Let’s go to yours?”

“Mine? Okay, sure! The plastic grass can get a little itchy, but at least I don’t need to store the eggs!”

“The eggs?”

“Sure, the eggs. They’re a big part of the whole Easter Bunny thing…I bring everyone a colorful egg.”

“Uh huh. So why don’t you need to store them?”

“Oh, because I, uh…well, I lay them.”


“Sure. You know…it’s just a thing that goes with my job. I lay Easter eggs.”

“Like a fucking chicken?”

“Well, a little more artful than that…but basically, yes.”

“Oh, hell no, dude! I am not having my kits grow up to lay fucking eggs! That is not natural.”

“Well, technically it’s supernatural, but listen…”

“No way, dude. I’m out of here. Have fun with your eggs and your baskets.”

“But…will I see you again?”

“Maybe in a cage someday, dude.”

Jay Gabler