Pros and Cons of Choosing Different Musical Acts to Settle on Mars
I just learned about the Mars One project that aims to send pods of four people at a time to settle on Mars, starting in 2024. If that isn’t dystopian future-y enough, they’re choosing people in a reality TV-like manner. So while I proceed producing an immense amount of non-renewable waste in my daily life – cuz fuck this planet now – I will also think through the pros and cons of sending various musical celebrities in that first pod.
Jay-Z and Beyoncé
Pros:
-Can teach martians to be vegan
-Still won’t mind wearing martian creatures’ skin as fashion statement
-Can Skype with their friends The Obamas from Mars, and maybe dog sit Bo over there (space dog!)
-Blue Ivy can be in charge of creating the next generation with some other celebrity’s baby (TBD)
-Jay-Z is already used to having 99 problems (sorry)
-Cool martian background on the Beyoncé Pepsi can
Cons:
-Thanks Obama!
-Who will force Kanye to watch the throne?
-Beyoncé has pissed off space people
One Direction
Pros:
-It would be super cute
-Can convince martians that all humans are the same height and stature
-Lack of women over there might lead to some interesting homoerotic antics
-Taylor Swift can write an interesting song about ex-bf being on Mars, cuz screw him
-If one of them snuck a monkey into the spaceship it would be an even cuter gang, if that’s possible
Cons:
-Russians might be like wtf?
-Lance Bass would feel really left out
Macklemore
Pros:
-Not a materialistic guy, so he would be content having a wardrobe of red dust rubbed all over himself
-Might be closer to Bernie Mac (RIP), who is proud of him
-Could deal with space’s awkward homophobia problem
Cons:
-None cuz Macklemore is the most universally beloved man of all time
Robin Thicke
Pros:
-Can’t think of any
Cons:
-Might have naked ladies’ boobs around him at any given moment
-Miley Cyrus might fly to Mars to stick her butt in his crotch (um, he is MARRIED)
-Has trouble visually perceiving lines
Lorde
Pros:
-Doesn’t mind riding the bus, so a space shuttle would probably be o.k.
-She smells like teen spirit, according to NPR
-Won’t try to sneak gold teeth or tigers into space
-Lana Del Rey will be like hmmm … ok … her?
Cons:
-Aliens might resent her precociousness
-Doesn’t mind getting in public girl fights, which would not be good for interplanetary relations