Stunning Discoveries Made by “Room 237” Experts Watching Vine

Stunning Discoveries Made by “Room 237” Experts Watching Vine

Shining Vine

The mysterious beer. “If you pause the Vine my cousin posted at our family’s Labor Day picnic at precisely the 1.7 second mark, you can clearly see Uncle Ron holding a full bottle of Corona. The shot then cuts away to my brother playing ladder golf, and then when it comes back to Uncle Ron, you can see that his beer is suddenly half empty. Even given Uncle Ron’s well-known tendency to get embarrassingly drunk at family gatherings, it beggars belief that he could have slugged half that beer in just a few seconds’ time. Clearly my cousin planned this trick as a very subtle statement about the emptiness of Mexico’s foreign policy.”

The prophetic license plate. “If you know my friend Carrie at all, you know that she’s very liberal and very smart, but I really didn’t know how smart until I saw a Vine she posted of herself singing along to Beyoncé’s ‘Single Ladies’ while stuck in traffic on her way home from work. It’s a fun little video, it’s funny, but I didn’t think it was anything more until, on about my twentieth viewing, I noticed the license plate on the car in front of her and, let me tell you, my jaw dropped. The license plate is KHU 619. The year 1619, of course, was the year that African slaves were first brought to America. It also happens to be reversible—look at 619 upside down, and what do you get? 619. That, and ‘Single Ladies’…I was just blown away, because slaves couldn’t marry freely, you know. In that sense, all women slaves were ‘single ladies’…and Beyoncé herself is African-American, so, whoa. And the white girl—well, actually, half-Latina, but she basically looks white—the white girl, representing the White Man, is just singing along, totally carefree. Whoa. Carrie’s Vine is this devastating, devastating comment on the history of slavery in America, and on the cyclical nature of racism. We think we’ve turned slavery upside down, if you will, with emancipation, but of course, as with the number 619, you can turn it around all you want and it still, fundamentally, remains the same. Just think about that.”

The impossible litter box. “You’ve probably seen this Vine, it has about 150,000 re-Vines, it shows this cat running away from this little boy, this toddler. This toddler is chasing the cat around the house, and the camera follows the boy around one, two, three corners and then boom, the baby falls face-first into the cat’s litter box. Big surprise, big laugh, a little gross, people love it. But you know, as soon as that popped up in my feed, I thought there was just something fishy there, just something not quite right. So I watched it on loop for eight hours, and then finally I realized what was wrong: the space in this house was geometrically impossible. Here, look: I’ve drawn a detailed diagram of this house. At the beginning of the Vine, we see the baby chasing the cat out of the living room. They start here, and turn here, and then they’re in the front hallway, and then they’re in the kitchen. They turn here, and you can clearly see that they run several feet more before the final turn, when there’s the litter box—in a pantry that seems to have magically appeared right where the living room was just five seconds ago. So you see, what the filmmaker—who we know only as ‘MarjieM,’ she has no bio whatsoever—has done here is to very cleverly pause the video, remodel her entire house, and then resume the video in the new floor plan. It’s incredible, just incredible. And it’s so subtle that 150,000 people have seen it, and no one has even noticed.”

The trampoline of truth. “You’ve seen that terrible footage of the Twin Towers collapsing…but have you noticed that there isn’t any professional footage of it happening? It’s all, like, amateur video. It looks convincing, but actually it was all faked in a top-secret government program, and the guy behind the camera was this Vine user David Hanbury. How do I know it was him? Easy: in this Vine he posted on September 11, 2013, he’s jumping on a trampoline. You can see these two sort of chimneys or smokestacks just over his backyard fence here, and they make their first appearance at precisely 0.46 seconds into the Vine. They’re coming down—down in the frame, you see—as he jumps up, and then they start to come up again at exactly 1.03 seconds in. Well, if you look at the history, you’ll see that the first plane supposedly hit the North Tower at 8:46 AM, and then the second plane hit the South Tower at 9:03. What this is saying to me is that David Hanbury helped the government to fake the 9/11 footage. 9/11 never happened, and this Vine is Hanbury’s way of trying to tell us something he can never say publicly, out of fear for his life. Those twin towers are still standing, take my word for it—they’re being used to store frozen aliens, I suspect. I don’t know exactly how they’ve been hidden for all these years, but I know I’ll crack the secret soon…I’ve started following David Copperfield on Vine.”

Jay Gabler