The Lawnmower Lazarus. That Lawn Boy hasn’t started since the Clinton administration, but this guy is absolutely fascinated by it. You’d pay him just to haul it away, but he wants to resurrect it in full view of everybody so that his genius with small engines can be duly appreciated, and spends all morning tinkering while mothers grab their children’s arms and pull them away from the blades that are definitely going to start spinning…any second now.

The Kitchenware Hobo. This bearded geezer wants all your busted, grease-stained pots and pans—presumably so he can whip up a mess o’ vittles for Eye Socket Jack down by the tracks before they hop the 10:41 Empire Builder westbound to Spokane.

The Crafter. She knows just the cutest thing to do with the 83 Easter cards left in that pack of 100 your mom bought at Walgreens in 1989—and she’ll take that half-finished latch-hook rug while she’s at it!

The No-Nonsense Preggers. She’s about to pop, and she wants her kid to be completely outfitted through junior high by the time he’s born. She doesn’t want to talk about baby names, she doesn’t want to buy a cup of lemonade—she’s hot and tired and her feet are fucking killing her, and she just wants you to watch this stack of onesies while she goes back for more.

The Nostalgist. He remembers everything. The ’91 World Series, what a rush! Barbie and the Rockers, what a “Jem” rip-off! Hold on…is that a Right Said Fred tape? You know what he and his college friends did every time “I’m Too Sexy” came on the radio? Too bad, because he’s gonna tell you anyway.

The Lover of Ugly Art. She thinks that macramé wall hanging your parents got for their wedding and have been hiding in the attic ever since is absolutely gorgeous.

The Weirdly Picky. “The thing is, if this grass-stained golf towel didn’t say FORE, well, maybe…how much is it? Five cents? Hmm, okay. Can you set it aside while I think about it for a while?”

The Scanners. These guys will descend early, wielding smartphones equipped with scanners they use to go through all your books and determine which ones are worth their while to sell online. After 45 minutes going through two tables full of paperbacks, they’ll pay a total of 75 cents for three out-of-print editions that they’ll take home and list on Amazon for $23, $48, and $62 respectively.

The Nosy Neighbors. Just popped over to say hi, have a chat, and find out what everyone’s bra size is.

The Kid Who Thinks Your Old Toys Are Awesome. She’ll want you to show her how to transform that robot into a spider (you won’t remember) and will ask questions like, “Did they have My Little Pony on TV back then?”

– Yes, that is Jay Gabler’s actual mom.