“The Bachelorette”: Ranking Desiree’s Bachelors by Their Cultural Tastes

“The Bachelorette”: Ranking Desiree’s Bachelors by Their Cultural Tastes

25. Mike R.

Screen Shot 2013-05-27 at 2.42.20 PM

What he likes: “Rat Pack or classic rock.”

Analysis: Hasn’t reflected on the irony of the fact that his relationship deal-breakers include being a smoker, a joker, or a midnight toker.

24. Drew

Screen Shot 2013-05-27 at 1.50.23 PM

What he likes: Hemingway. “I love his characters and writing style.”

Analysis: For your first Halloween party as a couple he’ll put on a floral shirt and a Santa-suit beard, then ask you to go as Gertrude Stein. At the party he’ll quickly get drunk and try to goad you into punching him in the mouth.

23. Brandon

Screen Shot 2013-05-27 at 1.03.03 PM

What he likes: The Sandlot, The GooniesLean On Me

Analysis: He probably also has a collection of Hardy Boys novels and a scoutmaster suit that he likes to just wear around the house.

22. Ben

Screen Shot 2013-05-27 at 12.57.03 PM

What he likes: Tommy Boy, AvatarTransformersMen’s Fitness

Analysis: He’s a buff guy who’s into useless technology and laughing at fat people. Also, possibly racist.

21. James

Screen Shot 2013-05-27 at 1.52.31 PM

What he likes: Dr. Seuss

Analysis: He “grew apart” from someone he was in a five-year relationship with, presumably because at five, she was ready to move on to Amelia Bedelia.

20. Nick M.

Screen Shot 2013-05-27 at 2.48.47 PM

What he likes: Training DayMan On Fire, The Green Mile.

Analysis: Thinks Denzel was brilliant in all three roles.

19. Zack K.

Screen Shot 2013-05-27 at 3.07.46 PM

What he likes: Atlas Shrugged.

Analysis: In his questionnaire, Zack indicates that he’d like his ideal mate to be “witty, loving, humble, awesome!” That would explain his interest in Ayn Rand, who believed that “the essence of femininity is hero-worship—the desire to look up to man. An ideal woman is a man-worshipper.” Awesome!

18. Zak W.

Screen Shot 2013-05-27 at 3.19.30 PM

What he likes: Atlas Shrugged.

Analysis: In his questionnaire, Zak describes himself as a “party-starter for sure…like a firework/fire-starter log hybrid.” On your knees, woman!

17. Kasey

Screen Shot 2013-05-27 at 2.13.28 PM

What he likes: Russell Crowe, “because of Gladiator.”

Analysis: After two dates, you’ll get a Snapchat of his bulging boxer briefs, with the note, “At your signal, I will unleash…!!!”

16. Brooks

Screen Shot 2013-05-27 at 1.17.53 PM

What he likes: Indie music.

Analysis: He won’t go grinding up on a girl at a club—he’s not that kind of guy. Instead, he’ll meet a girl at a Vampire Weekend show, take her home to listen to his Tame Impala vinyl, and make an awkward attempt to go down on her.

15. Robert

Screen Shot 2013-05-27 at 2.58.51 PM

What he likes: BraveheartGood Will Hunting, “The Notebook/Silver Linings Playbook,” Stephen R. Covey.

Analysis: Firmly believes that a habit of highly successful people is knowing which movies will get you laid, even if you can’t really tell them apart.

14. Bryden

Screen Shot 2013-05-27 at 1.26.03 PM

What he likes: Art by C.M. Russell.

Analysis: He also owns every Kevin Costner movie on Blu-ray, but he’s learned to keep them hidden until he’s put a ring on it.

13. Dan

Screen Shot 2013-05-27 at 1.35.46 PM

What he likes: Dumb and DumberInception, any of the Bourne movies.

Analysis: He double-majored in philosophy and political science, and he still has all his college textbooks, which he keeps on the shelf because he thinks they make him look smart.

12. Micah

Screen Shot 2013-05-27 at 2.34.22 PM

What he likes: Bruce Willis, “’cause he’s a badass.”

Analysis: Micah owns The Return of Bruno on vinyl and thinks that with hits like “Under the Boardwalk” and “Young Blood,” Willis is underrated as a songwriter.

11. Chris

Screen Shot 2013-05-27 at 1.31.03 PM

What he likes: Scrabble.

Analysis: You’re only ready for Chris when you’re ready to accept the fact that “mm,” “wo,” and “ae” are “words.”

10. Juan Pablo

Screen Shot 2013-05-27 at 2.07.36 PM

What he likes: Hot clubs, “because that’s where they play the danceable music.”

Analysis: When you get back to his place, he’ll rip off his stripper pants, kick his bedroom door open, and make a sweeping gesture at his satin-sheeted bed, declaring, “This is where we now to make the magic!”

9. Michael G.

Screen Shot 2013-05-27 at 2.38.19 PM

What he likes: Billy Joel, Pearl Jam, Radiohead, Dante Aligheri, and F. Scott Fitzgerald.

Analysis: He thinks the new new Great Gatsby movie is only okay, but has an elaborate theory about how “Shawn Carter is the new James Gatz.”

8. Nick R.

Screen Shot 2013-05-27 at 2.54.13 PM

What he likes: Men’s HealthGenii (“a magic magazine”).

Analysis: Ask him if he’s ever been in a Poof, and he’ll promptly tell you he doesn’t appreciate that homophobic joke—and, further, he’s personally offended by Arrested Development‘s stereotyped portrayal of professional magicians.

7. Brad

Screen Shot 2013-05-27 at 1.00.03 PM

What he likes: “I’m basically obsessed with peanut butter.”

Analysis: He’s basically a human being.

6. Larry

Screen Shot 2013-05-27 at 2.22.33 PM

What he likes: Tom Hanks

Analysis: He doesn’t like talking politics, because that would require him to have a potentially controversial opinion. If you ask him what topping he wants on a pizza you’re ordering, he’ll excuse himself and 20 minutes later, you’ll find him curled up in a fetal position in the bathtub, shaking his head uncontrollably and gnawing on your loofah.

5. Jonathan

Screen Shot 2013-05-27 at 2.04.05 PM

What he likes: Garth Brooks, Kings of Leon, The Avett Brothers

Analysis: He doesn’t care whether you’re smart or dumb, smooth or hairy—just so long as you’re American.

4. Diogo

Screen Shot 2013-05-27 at 1.43.47 PM

What he likes: The Alchemist, because “it is all about helping your dreams come true.”

Analysis: When he makes it to the finals, the finalists’ families come to visit, and one of the other remaining finalists is caught on infrared camera French-kissing his own sister, Diogo’s eyes will mist up and he’ll say to his mother in Portuguese, “When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”

3. Brian

Screen Shot 2013-05-27 at 1.15.57 PM

What he likes: The Rock, The NotebookThe Count of Monte Cristo

Analysis: He’ll watch a chick flick with you or he’ll go have a boys’ night while you and your girlfriends watch chick flicks. He’ll respect your personal space, and will share his views on French literature only if you ask him.

2. Will

Screen Shot 2013-05-27 at 3.01.00 PM

What he likes: Slam MagazineHoopsGQ

Analysis: His favorite sexual position is “the space jam.”

1. Mikey T.

Screen Shot 2013-05-27 at 2.45.50 PM

What he likes: “Crossfit, boating, sports of any kind. Haven’t read a book in many years.”

Analysis: A buff, honest bro. Just don’t ask him whether “crossfit” is actually a “sport.”

Jay Gabler