PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL IS MY DREAM WOMAN. OLDER, A BITCH, AND PART CAT.
— ΞMiLY (@TEENSLUT666) May 11, 2013
Most adorable prison synonym? Gotta be pokey.
— Jay Boller (@jaymboller) May 8, 2013
When I’m rich I’m going to hire a trainer but really just someone to hide in the bushes and jump out and smash burritos out of my hands.
— Kat Georgé (@kat_george) May 8, 2013
OUR NATION TURNS ITS LONELY EYES TO YOU, BLANKET JACKSON.
— Mouthful of Platinum (@mouthofplatinum) May 8, 2013
why don’t you make like my dreams and die
— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) May 6, 2013
That paradox where you know that as soon as a box of ice cream sandwiches exists in your freezer it no longer does.
— Katie Sisneros (@katiesisneros) April 30, 2013
When people are like what if my blue is your yellow I’m like probably not.
— Becky Lang (@leckybang) April 30, 2013
Why is everyone 27?
— matt (@biorhythmist) April 27, 2013
The harmonica in a Bob Dylan song just frightened my cat to a level of absolute terror I have never before seen.
— Dana Raidt (@dana_darko) April 24, 2013
I think we all went to high school with Amanda Palmer.
— Marc Butcavage, ESQ (@marcbutcavage) April 22, 2013
how early was the coffee to booze transition? that’s how we should measure how good our days are
— Sarah Harper (@s424h) April 20, 2013
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed people can change their Facebook status.
— dance blessed (@dance_blessed) April 16, 2013
looking at facebook feels like being fucked with a butter knife
— Mira Gonzalez (@miragonz) April 15, 2013
Do, dump, marry: skinny Chandler, fat Chandler, Matthew Perry
— Emily Weiss (@Piefingers) April 15, 2013
roll up to the club in a perennial yearning that will never be fulfilled
— Melissa Broder (@melissabroder) April 15, 2013
I think your knee is in my heart
— ameel (@poolpaarty) April 10, 2013
Real AA meetings are only, like, 50% as much about who brings the snacks as scenes in TV shows would lead you to believe.
— Liana Maeby (@lianamaeby) April 10, 2013
My dad tucks his Hawaiian shirt into his jeans lest there be any confusion on who the dad is.
— Molly McNearney (@mollymcnearney) April 7, 2013
what if it turned out that Victoria’s secret is her personality
— Natalie Patricia (@nataliesurely) April 7, 2013
He’s in my phone as Christ the Fling
— Mary Kobayashi (@MaryKoCo) April 3, 2013
Hello all! So Aaron unfortunately dropped his phone in the koi pond at KOI yesterday. He’ll be connected with you guys again soon. – AC Mgmt
— Aaron Carter (@AARONCARTER) April 9, 2013
– Compiled by @JayGabler