When I was younger, I had this one really, really strong opinion about station wagons. But my opinions and peeves have sort of dissipated as I’ve aged and now they are pretty much exclusively reserved for commentary about television and film.
Here are the top things I’m just not buying about characters in television and film:
They never shut the door
They’re always walking into rooms and just leaving doors open. The scene that ensues could be riddled with gripping dialogue. It could be the plot’s climax. It could be filled with nudity. But all of that will elude me. Because this is the only thing happening in my mind: “Just shut the door. Oh my gawd please. Please shut the door. Shut that door. Just shut it. Please gawd. Shut that door. Is the door still open? It’s still open.” (25 minutes later:) “They never shut that door.”
They order a just “a beer”
They sit down at a bar, and they order “a beer.” A beer. Just once I want the bartender to look at the beer order-er with just, like, profound disdain and say something cutting like, “You walk into a Subway and order a sandwich?” (Probably in a Long Island accent.) Here, TV writers are failing to exploit a prime opportunity for character development. Do they order a microbrew or a Coors Lite? IPA or Lager? And maybe the world doesn’t categorize the population according to beer preferences the way I do. But it’s better than categorizing people by race and class right?
They’re always breaking necklaces
Auryn from The Neverending Story: That’s probably when I first became aware of the mystical and symbolic importance of a necklace in a film. This isn’t about that. This is about how they’re always snatching necklaces from women’s necks! They just yank them off! This kills me. I mean I know it’s really, really dramatic and powerful, but who has the time to get a clasp or chain repaired? And I know the power or significance is usually in the pendant or stone or whatever, but again, that’s not the point. You see, necklaces don’t really break that easily. Usually, when you yank a necklace really hard, the head sitting on the neck holding that necklace comes with it. It’s not comfortable. Dramatic, yes. But pretty mean. Especially when you could just say, “Please remove that necklace and give it to me.” Or you could say, “I’m going to take that necklace now. Would you like me to remove it or do you want to do it yourself?” Oh and when they yank off their own necklace? Don’t even get me started …
They fall through doors and into houses making out
I’ve definitely dipped into my pad thai before making it through the door. I’ve eagerly torn open hand-addressed mail. I think I may have even been so excited about a new shoe organizer system that I didn’t quite make it into the house before ripping apart the packaging. But fallen through the door while making out? Not even close. First of all I’m probably trying to pretend that we’re just going to talk. Or that there really is this thing about that thing I was going to show you … But mostly, there are just too many things to go wrong. Like the fact that most likely your friends and family have all gathered for your intervention. I’m just not buying it. Or I’m just really, really doing it wrong.