Breaking Up With an E-Newsletter

Breaking Up With an E-Newsletter

Postcard copy

Hiya, hot stuff!

Gah! How’d you suddenly appear on my couch?

You invited me in, and here I am!

When did I invite you in?

When you bought that swimsuit at H&M. Didn’t you read the fine print on the receipt? Anyway, now I’ll be stopping by several times a week to look hot and exciting and tell you about great deals and…

What if I don’t want you here?

Listen, I totally get that and if you ever for any reason don’t wan’t me around, just say the word and I will be gone! I’ll also never share your address with third parties—two is enough of a party, wouldn’t you say? [reaches arm around the back of the couch, leans in]

Whoa! Stop it! I don’t want you here! Go away!

[pauses, looks somber, folds hands] I’m sure you said that in error. If that just slipped out of your mouth and you didn’t mean it, take no further action! I will totally stay. Have I showed you my…

Yes, I meant it! Go away! Really!

Wow. Just…wow. You really did mean that. Well, I really don’t understand why you wouldn’t want me to visit all the time with all these great deals and attractive models and everything, but if you ever, EVER want me back, let me give you this site to visit so you can…

No! Go away! Now!

I see. Well, then. I guess I’ll be going. [stands, walks silently out the door, shuts door, immediately reappears on couch]

AAAUGH! What are you doing here?! I just told you to go away! I just made you walk out the door!

Right, right, I remember that. It’s just my policy to visit one last time to let you know that you just told me to leave. Do you remember telling me to leave? Did you really mean to do that? Because I just wanted to check.

Yes, I really wanted to do that! I know I told you to leave, because THAT JUST HAPPENED! Now, GO!

[leans back, crosses legs] All right, honey. Your loss. I’m out of here. [disappears, immediately reappears] Until the next time you visit the mall, that is! [grins wickedly, vanishes]

Jay Gabler