How People Following Different Diets Would Die in The Hunger Games

How People Following Different Diets Would Die in The Hunger Games

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Vegan: Meditating in tree pose for 4 straight days while painted as a tree and then getting stabbed by the Paleo person who is like, “Who’s that skinny guy painted as a tree?”

Paleo: Practicing throwing stones with fellow Paleo after a 36 hour fast simulating a real hunt, it occurs to them that they could have actually been hunting a real animal. Gets hit in head with stone and dies.

Gluten-Free: Outing themselves by passing gas after being forced to reintroduce gluten into their diet by eating the cookie a sponsor sent them.

Juice diet: Uses rocks to mash up a nice fruit smoothie on first day. The smoothie is full of poison berries.

Weight Watchers: Starts crying in a tree while journaling about food after “ruining their eating day” with too much boiled rabbit. Falls out of tree.

Adderall abuse diet: Actually wins competition by eliminating need to eat or sleep for 4 days.

Rock and roll diet: After realizing they can’t live off cigarettes, beer and late night happy hour appetizers, kills self.

Old Whore’s Diet: Fellates other contestants to get ahead, which works until the constant fellatio threatens to ruin the budding, highly-rated romance between the Vegan and Gluten-Free contestants.

Becky Lang