A Disney Prince Guide to Getting the Girl

A Disney Prince Guide to Getting the Girl

The Prince (Snow White): If you stumble upon a random girl who just happens to be alone and unconscious you should totally kiss her. Because when she wakes up your good looks will distract her from the fact that a total stranger is hovering over her, especially after she’s just eaten something laced with poison.

Prince Charming (Cinderella): If you’re looking for that special someone, inspect their shoe size to determine whether or not they are a compatible match. Search far and wide throughout your kingdom (which just so happens to be largely populated with big -footed women), until you find a girl who’s feet are so small that they look like they’ve been bound.

Prince Phillip (Sleeping Beauty): It’s totally cool to fall in love with a minor, especially if you met them a few days after their birth. It sounds odd, but that werewolf from Twilight fell in love with a girl in vitro, so don’t judge. Besides, she’ll turn 16 eventually so pretty soon you’ll have nothing to feel guilty about… unless you also manage to kiss her while she’s unconscious.

Prince Eric (The Little Mermaid): If you’re walking along the beach and you find a girl wearing very little clothing who can’t speak and can barely walk don’t call 911. Just take her home and never again inquire about where she came from or if anyone will miss her.

The Beast/Prince Adam (Beauty and the Beast): If you really love a girl, separate her from all of her loved ones and imprison her in your house so that you can berate her and make her miserable in the comfort and privacy of your own home.

Aladdin (um, duh!): Lie, lie, lie and when all else fails lie some more. She’s probably too dumb, pretty and rich to know what the truth looks like anyway. Also, invite your filthy pet monkey to her house.

John Smith (Pocahontas): When you first meet a girl, call her and her entire family all the racist and derogatory terms you can think of until she takes it upon herself to educate your ignorant ass with a song and the assistance of cute animals.

Li Shang (Mulan): If you want a girl to like you, all you have to do is treat her like a dude. Kick her in the face to toughen her up and force her to engage in rigorous and dangerous athletic activities with you and your buddies until she stops menstruating or something.

Prince Naveen (The Princess and the Frog): If a girl is grossed out by you, find a way to make her equally as gross so that you can find common ground in your mutual grossness. Achieve this by covering her in some form of mucus; spray your mucus all over her and don’t stop until she falls in love with you (or until you fall asleep).

Amina Harper