What Your Halloween Costume Says About Who You’re Trying to Bang

What Your Halloween Costume Says About Who You’re Trying to Bang

Kitten: Someone who will listen to you talk about how much you like Nashville.

Sriracha sauce: Someone who occasionally reads Vice magazine.

Video game character: Someone who is mildly insecure but opens up when talking about junk food.

A visual representation of a pun: Someone who likes to run marathons and watch you play the guitar.

Obscure literary character or author: That one chick from Post-Colonial Theory class in freshman year who you used to smoke cigarettes with who you desperately hope to run into.

Ironically being a teen pop star: Someone else who sits on Tumblr all day.

No costume: You are not particularly looking for sex because you are both busy and complacent with your life, thus your lazy lack of costume. Or you are looking to bang someone who shares your pseudo-intellectual hatred of commercial holidays. Or you have not been allowed to participate in Halloween ever because you have been brainwashed by a religious cult, thus you are a virgin, thus you want to bang anything and everything.

Some type of not-sexy animal: Someone who hated the movie Juno, secretly because they wished they had written it.

Witch or other type of cliche costume you bought at Target: Someone who makes a good wagon wheel casserole and enjoys reverse cowgirl.

Someone in a commercial, like Flo from Progressive or the Geico Gecko: You want to bang someone who is good at stand up comedy yet still worse than you are.

Someone really sexy from history: You wish you could literally *slap* someone in the face with your boob for not paying enough attention to how hot you are. This person is probably sitting in the bathroom alone thinking about existentialist tattoo ideas.

A superhero: Someone who will be really impressed that you graduated college Phi Beta Kappa who will say things to your mother like, “He’s a really calm driver, actually.”

Someone from reality TV: You are not looking for sexual attention, you just want someone to buy you some french fries because you lost your wallet.

Dia de Los Muertos-style skull: Someone who can get you a graphic design internship.

Something vaguely 90’s nostalgia-ish like Lamb Chop or a Pokemon: Someone who has been published on Thought Catalog.

Becky Lang