Anatomy of a Protester

Anatomy of a Protester

Beard: Your beard is a way to show everyone who encounters your face how committed you are to saving the white rhino. You started growing it when the majestic beast was moved from the “super endangered list,” to the “holy fuck there are only four left on the planet endangered list,” and you are not going to cut it off until there are white rhinos happily prancing around all of Africa. Your beard gets angrier with every injustice of the fight, twisting menacingly and boiling down to a furious ginger clump of ends that are extremely split, unlike you on your political beliefs.

Thin build: Your sexy body must reflect the voluntary vow of poverty you took six months ago. Hunger strikes are a good way to get back on track after you slipped up and ate all the Nutella available at your local co-op that night your roommate brought home that sick kind bud from Canada. You must be skinny, and but also nourished by organic, raw, foreign foods–everyone knows eating standard poor people food like ramen and McNuggets inadvertently triggers orphan killings in Kazakhstan.

Clothing made of plants: This does not include cotton. This does include the shoes made from wheatgrass that your brother-in-law hands out to homeless people and bequeathed to you now that you are willingly destitute. Hemp is ok but kind of cliche, so find a way to use it unconventionally, like as shoelaces rather than necklaces. Banana peels make elegant hair wraps.

Megaphone: The employees at city hall won’t be able to properly hear the demands of your anti-potato chip group if you merely shout them from the lobby. Good thing you brought that megaphone! What do you want? Everyone knows! When do you want it? Everyone knows when! Also, megaphones really enhance the musical quality of you singing “we shall overcome,” in falsetto.

Water bottle with cause stickers: This fight for equality among the one percent is not your first rodeo. Proudly display your weather-beaten anti-petroleum sticker, your amnesty international badge, the “I voted,” sticker from the one out of three instances where you actually voted when presented with the opportunity on your steel drink container. Make sure to slurp your water/kombucha tea in distinct, audible swigs so that everybody at the bus stop knows if they say anything racially/environmentally insensitive, justice will be served – and swiftly.

-Natalie Berkley