Welcome to Passive-Aggressive Meals with Mom. You’re here on time, and that’s great. A lot of people think that food just puts itself on the table and stays warm forever, so they can just show up whenever they want. That’s fine. If that works for them, that’s just fine. I’m sure they’ll do just wonderfully in life.

Today we’re making applesauce-butterscotch cookies. They’re actually pretty delicious, which I happen to know because I actually went to Aunt Jeannie’s cookie bake last year. Other people had other priorities, but I went, and I e-mailed her and asked for the recipe, because it’s personally important to me to have delicious food to serve my family whenever they happen to decide to grace this kitchen with their presence. I’m such a lucky woman.

Now, I’ve asked Bob to begin greasing the pans. I see he’s using Crisco and a paper towel, which is one way to do it. That’s a choice. That will work. We have a can of vegetable oil spray right there in the cupboard, Bob, just so you know. For future reference, in case you didn’t want to waste any more paper towels like that.

Okay. I see Traci’s already put the applesauce into the bowl, even though the recipe said to wait on that until she’d already mixed the eggs and the shortening. Fine. She’s a teenager now, and she needs to do things her way. I understand that, because I was a teenager once. I always followed the recipe, but then, that was a different time. We didn’t have those…yep, there goes her phone again. Do you want to go answer that text, Traci? Because we can totally all wait for you. I’m sure Beth has something very important to say to you, and I wouldn’t want to keep you from it. You’ll check it later? You’re sure? Okay, as long as you’re sure.

I’ve mixed the dry ingredients over here. We’re a little short on the butterscotch chips, because Lindsay put about half the bag on her bowl of ice cream this morning. I guess she just didn’t think we’d need that many chips for our recipe. Totally understandable mistake. She also must think I have all the time in the world to go refill her lactose pill supply before she goes off to college. Obviously that’s true…I mean, it’s not like I have a cooking show to host or anything! Ha. Ha. Ha.

The recipe calls for the oven to be set at 325 degrees, but our dial reads 500 degrees because it’s set at the wrong angle. I’m sure Bob will get around to fixing that just as soon as the Olympics are over…oh, wait. They already are. But that’s fine. I know I ask him to do so much around here, like greasing those two pans.

Traci’s now spooning the batter onto the pans. Those cookies are a lot closer than I’d put them together on the pan, but let’s just see how this turns out. Traci knows a lot about cooking, since she’s in the kitchen helping me here every night. Ha ha, that was a joke. But seriously, she’s very creative. It’s too bad her teachers don’t appreciate how creative she gets with her school deadlines. It’s just really too bad.

Well, it looks like it’s already time for the commercial break! My, my, how time does fly when you’re having family fun together. Stick around, and we’ll just see how these cookies turned out. Yep. We will just. See.

– Jay Gabler, with thanks to Beth Decker, Lindsay DeLand, Dana Hanson, Jeannie Rogalsky, and Traci Zellman

Photo by Flood G. (Creative Commons)