1. Mom’s birthday? Surprise her with a pink purse gun. She’ll love it.

2. Having a baby when you’re an unmarried teenager is part of God’s plan. That’s why you must become an activist to make sure it never happens to anyone else.

3. Did your estranged baby daddy write a book about your family and fill it with lies (and steamy sex scenes about being forest lovers with moths on your lips)? Release your anger by shooting the book over and over again. For all the single moms.

4. Did that same estranged baby daddy pose for Playgirl and become somewhat of a gay man’s fetish? Don’t mention it, ever.

5. Want to get your girlfriend a nice gift for Valentine’s day? Trim her tree. Literally, the tree outside her parents’ house where she still lives. She’ll like that for some reason.

6. Is your 3-year-old son being way too big a pussy to compete in the mini-snowmobile race at the local gun-n-reindeer fair? Make him do it anyway. How else will he learn?

7. When you’re riding a bull at a bar and someone shouts that your mother’s a whore, simply ask him if he thinks that because “he’s a homosexual.” Checkmate.

8. Never go to the East Coast. Liberals.

9. Did your 3-year-old child call someone a “f@ggot?” Laugh it off and swear he was only saying, “fuck.” It’s not like anyone who’s around your son regularly uses that first term, right?

10. Bored cuz there’s nothing to do because you live in the middle of nowhere? Guns!

–Becky Lang