A Settlement Regarding the Post-Breakup Disposition of Melissa and Erik’s “Settlers of Catan” Game

A Settlement Regarding the Post-Breakup Disposition of Melissa and Erik’s “Settlers of Catan” Game

The “Catan: Game of Our Generation” BUMPER STICKER shall remain in place on Melissa’s Hyundai. In compensation, the BOX for the game (including the plastic insert and the card box) shall be taken by Erik.

FRAME PIECES 1, 2, and 3 shall be taken by Melissa, in consideration of the fact that the 2:1 brick ship is her favorite trading ship. Erik, who prefers the 2:1 wood trading ship, shall take possession of frame pieces 4, 5, and 6.

The HEXES representing fields, forest, and pasture shall be evenly divided between Melissa and Erik, with each party taking two of each. Two of the hexes representing hills shall go to Erik; one shall go to Melissa. Melissa shall take two of the mountain hexes, with the remaining mountain hex going to Erik. In conducting this transaction, Melissa shall not make reference to Erik’s tasteless and slightly racist joke regarding Osama bin Laden’s mountain-lair porn stash, nor shall Erik repeat Melissa’s “get dem hillz” pun.

The NUMBER TOKENS shall be divided between Melissa and Erik at random, with each party rolling the dice and taking the token corresponding to the number shown until all the tokens are thus disbursed.

The PORT designators shall be taken by Melissa, while the BARREN DESERT HEX shall become the sole property of Erik. Any mention by Melissa of Erik’s low sperm count is absolutely not permitted.

The BLUE and WHITE settlements, cities, roads, and building-cost cards shall be taken by Melissa, in acknowledgement of her longstanding assertion that blue and white are her lucky colors. The RED and ORANGE settlements, cities, roads, and building-cost cards will be accepted by Erik. If Erik can refrain from complaining about those colors clashing, Melissa will duly refrain from calling Erik “metrosexual” and asking how many followers he now has on Pinterest.

The RESOURCE and DEVELOPMENT cards shall be randomly shuffled as one deck by a neutral third party and handed in alternating manner to Erik and Melissa. Trades may be made, by mutual agreement, immediately after these cards are dispensed.

The RED DIE shall go to Erik and the YELLOW DIE shall be taken by Melissa. Use of the word “die” in any other sense is not acceptable.

The LARGEST ARMY card will go to Melissa, since she always had to have the goddamn largest army. The LONGEST ROAD card will go to Erik, since he always had to have the fucking longest road. Reference by Melissa to this being a compensation for Erik’s genital shortcomings is impermissible.

The ADVERTISEMENTS for the U.S. championship and for the Catan Game Family shall be regarded as of insignificant value and recycled. References to the prospects of either party winning a Catan championship are forbidden. Rueful remarks about the dissolution of Erik and Melissa’s little Catan Family may be made only if accompanied by genuine tears.

Jay Gabler