Good morning, shithead. Seems like staying up until 2 a.m. drinking beer and watching Workaholics isn’t doing much for your complexion at 6 a.m. this Tuesday, now, is it? Shove a toothbrush in your mouth. Don’t gag on it! God why, why do you always gag when you brush your teeth? You’ve been doing this since you were like, three. I know you don’t want to turn on the shower. Do it anyway. This morning angst will pass once you’ve stood under your stainless steel sprinkler and rubbed six kinds of goo into your hair and skin.
Seriously, shawty, morning’s not so hard. There’s so much you can do with your day! Carpe dayum! Think about all those cute dresses in your closet, waiting to be ironed; think of the coffee that’s gurgling and spitting to life out in the kitchen. Today, you’re going to kick ass. In fact, turn on “Rock Star” by Rihanna immediately, because that’s how hard you feel right now.
Once you’re clean, you can start doing the legal drugs you use to get your engine running (coffee, nicotine gum, vitamins). Look at how that goo is bringing out the roses of your cheeks. You have so many skinny belts and necklaces, you accessory slave. Put them all on.
You know what, today might be the day you win the lottery, or at least get a coupon for a free frutista freeze at Taco Bell. Maybe you’ll save a baby and become a local hero. Scratch that—you will save a baby and become an international hero. Preferably a librarian or volunteer firefighter’s baby, but you’ll settle on Kardashian spawn if you must (think of the headlines!) So get out that door, you sexy little bitch! Make it a great day.