If <i>Marketplace Tech Report</i>’s John Moe Narrated My Life

If Marketplace Tech Report’s John Moe Narrated My Life

This is the Katie’s Mundane Day Report, I’m John Moe. Wait, why don’t we just call it the Katie’s Mundayne Report? Because that would be ridiculous.

As you might have heard, because the screams were audible for at least four blocks, Katie cut herself shaving in the shower this morning. Neighbors were quick to evacuate the area for work, unable to handle the piercing cries. The situation was resolved when a dab of Neosporin and a SpongeBob Band-Aid were applied to the wound.

Katie may approve a plan today to forego any future shaving endeavors, although sources say this is unlikely, as the move would have a negative impact on cuddling proceedings with her boyfriend. When asked about the potential landmark decision, he stated “Eew, gross.” But as we’ll see in Mundane Day Report Theatre, that didn’t stop Shampoo, President and CEO of the shower caddy, from attempting damage control. Producer Larissa Anderson will play Shampoo, I will play an unruly press conference attendee.

Larissa Anderson: We deeply regret any hardship this incident may have caused residents of the shower or the wider bathroom community.

Moe: We won’t stand for this! We demand answers! We demand Katie!

Larissa Anderson: Miss Sisneros is unavailable for questions right now, but assures me that she hopes she can quickly put the matter behind her.

Moe: Rabble rabble! What does the bar of soap think about all this? Rabble!

Larissa Anderson: The bar of soap is refusing to come out of its holster, citing psychological damage. Please, sir. Let’s keep things civilized.

Things were ducky between Sisneros and Razor before the incident, but I imagine accusations that Razor is to blame cut real deep.

And now to the world of brown bag lunches, where Katie, like many Americans, has packed herself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. And why is this notable, you ask? Simply for being so un-notable. The peanut butter and jelly sandwich is the Family Circus of brown bag lunches. We keep consuming it, but why, exactly? For answers, we turn to noted peanut butter and jelly expert Jiff Smucker. So why do we care that Katie Sisneros is eating a PB&J today, Jiff?

Jiff Smucker: Well John, the peanut butter and jelly sandwich is more like the idea of a brown bag lunch rather than something we actually expect to see on someone’s desk. Ramen, Lean Cuisine, last night’s soggy hot dish: these are the things we expect. But the PB&J… it’s like thinking about America as apple pie and baseball. But is that what America really is? Of course not, John. America is debt ceilings and housing crises and Carly Rae Jepsen. Even though she’s Canadian.

Well there you have it. Peanut Butter and Jelly: as American as a Canadian. The sheer normalcy of Katie’s lunch choice got me thinking: is there such thing as too normal? If I change my Facebook cover image to a picture of a setting sun behind a sandy beach, or refer to Mondays as going “back to the grind,” have I somehow crossed the plane from normal into abnormal? The world may never know. This has been Katie’s Mundane Day Report.

Katie Sisneros and Christian Dahlager