Kristen Stewart is an actress. She is totes popular with mainstreamers who have alt leanings, bc her teeth r a lil imperfect and she’s a brunette and she nvr smiles. BC she didn’t already have enough money from standing around in bad expensive movies, she signed on 2 b #Snow in the new “dark” fairy tale called Snow White and the Huntsman. U can tell it’s “dark” bc the dwarves swear and ppl die and there’s a PG-13 rape joke.

Charlize Theron plays the RIDONK-ASS stepmother, who gets in 2 a dominant sexual position w/ #Snow’s dad and then “offs” him via a dagger and then may b has a lil #orgasm abt it. But rly, she only gets boffed by her brother, which they don’t exactly say happens, but u can sort of guess that’s y she shows him her “floppy jalopies” and takes a NSFW bath in white latex while he watches and u can’t see what his hand is doing.

There’s a huntsman played by #Thor and a keut prince w/ an Urban Outfitters beard, who R like the Han and Luke 2 #Snow’s Leia. The dwarves R like the ewoks, and there’s evn a scene where the Ewoks have 2 take down a “shield generator” or a “portcullis” or whatevr before the “spaceships” or the “horses” get to the “Death Star” or the “castle” etc.

Is Snow White and the Huntsman more relevant than Mirror, Mirror?

When the mirror tells #Snow she’s not the alt-est of them all, will she send the dwarves to “off” the girl from this 2005 German movie? Will the dwarves end up squatting in an abandoned factory in Zurich, strung out on heroin?

R U #teamhuntsman or #teamprince?

Y do the good guys start a raid at happy hour, then worry abt it getting dark b4 they r done conquesting?

What’s Joey the Horse from War Horsedoing there? Look out 4 that quicksand, bb! U give us #strength.

Will the creepy incestuous brother character delay the inevitable comeback of the Prince Valiant bob?

Do drops of blood falling rly sound like timpani hits if u just listen real close?

Would #Snow’s Big Speech 2 Rally the Troops have been more inspiring if delivered by Kurt Russell, or by a preskooler in a business suit?

What happened 2 the village of women who get their village burned down 4 being nice 2 #Snow? It’s okay, bbs! U still have the 89 followers of ur feminist Tumblr to keep u warm!

Should AARP protest the portrayal of aging as a hideous affliction 2 B avoided at all costs?

Will necrophiliacs “get off” on all the corpse-kissing in this movie?

Does that 1 dwarf have a lil crush on #Snow 2 show that the dwarves r not all gay 4 each other?

If #Snow chooses #teamhuntsman, will Prince Charming try 2 stay relevant via riding slutwaves and showing his peen 4 a tapestry?

Did Florence and the Machine “jump the shark” with their song 4 this movie? Does Flo suck youth thru young girls’ mouths like Queen Charlize learned from the #HarryPotter Dementors? Just don’t take Tavi, bb! She gives us #hope.

– Jay Gabler

This review originally appeared in the Twin Cities Daily Planet.