Pretentious Bios of Popular Condiments

Pretentious Bios of Popular Condiments

Ketchup: When ketchup isn’t grazing pommes frites at the foothills of a Swedish ski resort restaurant, it’s simmering slowly into a pan of warming chili, getting ready to evoke yet another down home American sunset with an archetypal, Faulknerian family. Its refined tomato contents contain lycopene that was recently accepted into the phi beta gamma chapter of cancer-preventing food ingredients.

Garlic Aioli: Pronounced “ay-oh-li” in its native Italian, this garlic aioli lends its flavor credentials (summa cum laude) to fresh slices of bread, perfectly wilted leaves of lettuce and free-range burgers for the most refined of palates. Its proudest accomplishment is taking traditional mayo to new heights, and updating it for a culture that wants more je ne sais quois from their general moistening agents.

Sriracha Sauce: Inspired by the fire and zest of traditional Eastern cooking, Sriracha sauce shies away from nothing, boasting at least 4 different languages on its packaging alone. It was called by a prominent chef cum bestselling author “the joie de vivre” of foods from stir fries to Louisiana Po’ Boys.

White Truffle Oil: White Truffle Oil has a passion for building communities by helping even the poorest among them to enjoy the true culinary wonder of the truffle, in a synthetic form that everyone can buy for naught but the cost of two Happy Meals. Its musky flavor has challenged the boundaries of gender, culture and cosmopolitanism – a true tour de force by the flora and fauna found in the ground.

Soy Sauce: Soy sauce is a pioneer in the condiment market, a first to predict the popularity of soy in the human diet, seeing the potential in one small bean before any others did. With its sleek, luxurious shade of black, it has been unparalleled at converting westerners to the delights of the Asian wok for centuries before us.

Becky Lang