A Parent to Child Performance Review

A Parent to Child Performance Review

Hi Tommy. I think it’s good if we regularly check-in with one another to make sure we’re aligned on how this whole “you being my son, me being your dad” thing is going. In the past two weeks, I’ve taken some notes on your behavior, and found some areas where you’re really shining, and others where you can improve.


I’m not gonna lie, my genetics have really created one good-looking toddler. Your bowl cut is so “little kid does the Beatles” and your teeth have come in with an adorable gap but not like … too crooked or weird. I appreciate your attempts to create “a look” by choosing your own clothes in the morning, but I wish it included a lot less crying, yelling and hiding behind your diaper stand every time I give you a helpful suggestion like, “You know, maybe you should wear these cute teddy bear overalls instead of your sister’s ballet outfit.” Life’s going to be a lot easier for you if you take a few of my style pointers.

Score: 3

Respect of Mommy/Daddy Time

As we’ve explained to you, mommy and daddy need a little time every night to be alone and make grown up talk. I know this is hard for you to understand, but let’s just say if it doesn’t happen, mommy starts to get insecure and ask about getting collagen injections and daddy has to let off some steam at the shooting range. You’ve really failed to grasp this concept, what with all the dashing into our room in the middle of the night saying things like, “I peed the bed,” or “I had a scary dream about Weird Al, can I sleep between you guys?” I’m really starting to regret letting you have a big boy bed, I have to be honest with you.

Score: 1

Learning to Talk

Your linguistic skills have come along swimmingly. ‘What’s swimmingly mean?’ you might ask. Well … “well.” It means “well.” Work that into a conversation and I’ll give you a 5 next time, kiddo. A couple pointers: It’s “fridge” or “refrigerator,” not “mafridge.” The living room is called a “living room” because it’s the room where we do a lot of “living.” It’s not, as you think, called “the living rooven.” What the heck is a rooven?

Score: 4

Table Manners

You’ve finally realized that once you’re done eating, the appropriate response isn’t to shout “ALL DONE!” and flip your plate over so it cascades your food all over the room. Bravo. It’s about time. Your fork skills could use a little work … you just jam it into the food. It’s not that hard. One thing I’d also like you to work on is being aware of how much food is on your face while you eat. You’d be surprised how hard it is for me to enjoy my eggplant gnocchi while you have macaroni stuck to your forehead.

Score: 3

All in all, you’re a healthy, competent child with loads of potential. Now it’s time to live up to it. Here are some simple goals for our next check-in:

1. Be aware of when there’s snot on your face so you can wipe it off. How do you just let it sit there like that?

2. Stop calling mommy “Kathrin.”  It’s a bit spooky, really. To you she’s “mommy.”

Thanks for your time.

Becky Lang

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