Ranking the Orifices of the Human Body, the Planet and the Cosmos

Ranking the Orifices of the Human Body, the Planet and the Cosmos

Black Holes: These create gravity (I think), and without gravity we probably wouldn’t have other holes. They also give the earth something to spin around, and may lead to other dimensions if we fall down them (via The Simpsons).

Vaginas: Without vaginas, we would not be able to birth babies with which to appreciate all the universe’s holes.

The Meatus of the Penis: Just FYI—the hole at the end of your dick, ladies, is called a meatus. This is the opening where urine, cum, and future babies (?) spew out of. Or halves of future babies. It’s all very mysterious.

Eyes: Eyes are one of the best ways to watch TV, read books, paint paintings and look at cats.

Holes at the Top of Slides: Once tried climbing up this backwards as a kid, another kid pissed on me. Really. Understand directions of these.

Blowholes: Anatomically, this is how whales stay alive. Not so anatomically, they provide the inertia used to transport maritime dishes and drinks at extra-zippy speed in my fictional pirate-themed restaurant. “Food’s reading! ARGH! BLAST!”

Golf Holes: Literally, like the whole fucking sport is dependent upon this. Otherwise, you’re just walking and sexually-harassing the drink cart girl.

The hole that condiments come out of in containers: When that shit gets plugged, nothing good happens.

Manholes: These are important because they allow mole people to enter their secret universe. They also spook young children by emitting stinky steam.

Volcanos: These are kind of holes and phalluses all at once, giving them a hermaphroditic power when they burble yellow lava all over the world. They are hot and scary, but create cool tropical islands as well.

Cloacas: Cloacas prove that ducks and other birds were scissoring before lesbian porn made it cool. These holes are something you should do a Google image search for—they basically look like a cat’s butthole, but they hide penises and stuff?

Donut holes: These are kind of a mind warp, since there is the donut hole (an absence) and the donut hole (the round donut supposedly taken out of the middle of regular donuts). They beg the question, “Why is the donut ring-shaped? Are we supposed to toss it as some kind of yard game?” The second kind of donut hole tastes good though.

Becky Lang, Jason Zabel, Dunstan McGill

Photo by Tedley Films