Celebrity Finalists for My Zombie Apocalypse Survival Team

Celebrity Finalists for My Zombie Apocalypse Survival Team

Gary Busey

Pros: Physical resemblance to zombies (wild jaw, rabid eyes, ever-present string of drool), manic temper, and a no-boundaries approach to every situation.

Cons: Consistently disoriented, threatens other team members regularly, and may have actually started the plague by biting strangers on Rodeo Drive.

Score out of 10: 8

LeBron James

Pros: Agility, strength, speed, and overall historic athletic ability.

Cons: deserted his first team after weeks of loyalty in order to join Mickey Rourke’s team; it’s only a matter of time before the two set out on their own to hunt zombies and yell at bitches. If they become zombies, every team loses.

Score out of 10: 10

Nancy Pelosi

Pros: Have you ever seen one of the many photos of her screaming on the House floor? I would never fuck with Nancy Pelosi. Plus, her diplomatic finesse will come in handy when dealing with other survival teams who try to steal our guns, food, etc.

Cons: Not a natural athlete. Could be used as zombie bait in desperate times.

Rating out of 10: 7

Javier Bardem

Pros: This team needs an able-bodied, relatively young man to take on responsibilities like chopping wood and repopulating the earth. Looks increasingly attractive the dirtier and more unkempt he becomes. And we all saw that psycho shit he pulled in No Country for Old Men.

Cons: Handsomeness may distract female team members, making them more vulnerable to attack.

Score out of 10: 9

Angelina Jolie

Pros: You know that blood vial-wearing, leather-clad badass is still in there. With a history of self-harm and years of performing her own stunts, you know she’s got an idea of how to do some damage.

Cons: It’s only a matter of time before her worldly compassion leads her to adopt several zombie children and attempt to rehabilitate them into the survival team.

Rating out of 10: 7.5

Mickey Rourke

Pros: all-around badassery, gravelly voice that can be used to raise morale during emotional speeches delivered in the rain, leathery face that tells you he’s seen battle once or twice. Simply being Mickey Rourke.

Cons: Strong potential to outgrow the survival team and leave after exhausting its resources.

Score out of 10: 10

Jane Lynch

Pros: She’s a freaking giant whose icy stare could freeze the nuts off a gecko in the Sahara.

Cons: doesn’t fit into small spaces, would likely get pretty mouthy about the worsening quality of life after several weeks.

Score out of 10: 8

-Natalie Berkley