The Dawson’s Creek Guide to Social Etiquette
-If you need to have a tense conversation with someone (that may or may not turn sexual), just wait by the dock. They’ll come.
-Boy and girl neighbors should not sleep in the same bed once they reach 15. That’s when puberty starts.
-If you are an older woman looking to have a cougaresque fling, simply rent The Graduate in a very pointed tone of voice. Sleep with whichever teen boy is operating the register.
-Always pepper conversations with astute references to culture, especially as it relates to Steven Spielberg or your mom sleeping with her co-anchor.
-Before a kiss, apply Chapstick® brand lip balm.
-There’s no guarantee you’ll like what you see if you choose to contact your friends by climbing a ladder and peering into their bedroom.
-When going to a social event, like a dance, wear your hair in a “princess” and sport belly-button high, loose blue jeans.
-When it’s time to say grace before a meal, chant, “I’M AN ATHEIST GRANDMA …!”
-If you think your brother might be gay, find out what’s up by calling him gay 24/7 and ridiculing his music collection. If he says he’s gay, you’ll know you’re right. If he says he’s not, keep doing it.
-Save all the really big confessions (affairs, etc.) for climactic storms.
-If you’re new in town, find a football player to show you around.