Pros
Drinks something “stronger than wine,” letting you feel like a girly girl w/ your pinot
Hates “bourgeois liberals” so probably not above McDonald’s breakfast
Looks cool near pot
Will cook dinner in order to get you to sleep over
Keeps his bedroom door closed instead of being like, “come in, roomies and play my bongos.”
Does crosswords shirtless
Has good poker face

Cons
Love letters kinda sound like B+ level cultural studies papers
Uses umlauts – who has the time?
Not great at dirty talk: “I stretch long and slow, twist and shake I check the time and growl — aargh!”
Bangs chicks who keep journals
Apartment smells like “Running sweat, Brut spray” and raisins, apparently
Wears “blue and white sarong” on Sunday mornings
Ex-GF spells “though” as “tho.” Who is she – Walt Whitman?
Describes women in James Frey-like terms (“had … green specks in her eyes.”).
Might respond to “I love you” with “thank you”

You’ll never have arms like Michelle and you know it

–Becky Lang