Hi Kelly—

Hope all’s well. I just want to say congratulations on being back in the top ten! I’m glad that our breakup gave you the inspiration you needed to score another hit single. I know you were a little concerned about “resilient girl” becoming your personal brand, but hey, a hit is better than no hit, right?

That said, I do think that some of the lyrics were a little unfair to me and not entirely representative of our relationship. I understand that there’s a need to allow for artistic license and all that, but obviously anyone who knows that we used to go out assumes that it’s all literally true. That’s embarrassing, and actually painful when I get slapped in the face or stomped with a heel. So I’d appreciate it if you could do a blog post or something just explaining that things in real life weren’t quite like they were in the song. Let me just go through some examples here.

You think you got the best of me
Think you had the last laugh
Bet you think that everything good is gone.
Think you left me broken down…

See, this is just totally different than the way I remember our breakup. Didn’t we agree it was mutual, that it was probably for the best that we find other people with similar interests? I know you were peeved that I didn’t like going out dancing at bro bars with you and your girlfriends, but let’s not forget the time you promised to go geocaching with me, and then at the last minute decided you just had to go to that Princess Di exhibit at the mall.

Think that I’d come running back
Baby you don’t know me, cause you’re dead wrong.

Remember when we said goodbye that last night? You gave me a high five. Believe me, I did not interpret that as a sign that you were going to be crawling back begging for my affection.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone.

Now why would you assume that I’d be thinking you were lonely? You have your mom, and your sisters, and of course Kara and Allison. When we were going out you’d be texting all through dinner! Really, any objective observer would have guessed that I’d be the relatively lonelier one after our breakup. I mean, I have my WoW group and everything, so I’m fine…but the point is, this really isn’t at all what I was thinking.

What doesn’t kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn’t mean I’m over cause you’re gone

This is a little overdramatic, isn’t it? I understand you’re using “kill” in a metaphorical sense, but Kelly, we only dated for four and a half months! I know we said “I love you,” but I said it first and it was just that one time, and I’m pretty sure you just said it back because we were actually having sex at the time and you guessed (correctly) that I wouldn’t finish if you didn’t say you loved me back.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me myself and I

Wait, I thought you weren’t alone?

You heard that I was starting over with someone new,
They told you I was moving on, over you.

Well, that one time I ran into Allison at Starbucks she did mention that you’d gone on a date with Bob—which was actually really awkward, because I didn’t even ask about you or anything and she just blurted that out. But anyway, I figured that was just a rebound thing, because when we were going out you told me—remember, you told me?—about that time you hooked up with him and said it the sex was okay but you knew you could never go out with a guy who wore a leather Tigger jacket from the Disney Store.

Thanks to you I got a new thing started
Thanks to you I’m not the broken hearted
Thanks to you I’m finally thinking ’bout me 
You know in the end the day I left was just my beginning.

I don’t really know what to say to this except that it doesn’t really make sense, because if you’re really so over me, why are you singing this big histrionic song about me? Listen, honey, if we could patch it up after “Since You’ve Been Gone,” it’s certainly on the table that we could get back together after this. You know my number.

Affectionate regards,
Jay Gabler