1. You know all your junk gonna fit in that trunk.
2. Your lover’s chariot can hold as many friends as you can fit in its spacious, whale-like body. Makeshift drunk bus!
3. You no longer need U-Haul, that slut you pay every year to move your Goodwill couch five blocks.
4. Opportunities may arise to play “cash cab,” but where your friends are contestants and the prizes are cigarettes.
5. DVD player comes in handy for daytime Madagascar viewings and nighttime porn viewings.
6. You look hard as fuck rollin’ around blasting Weezy or Beethoven, whatever your fancy.
7. Family-friendly rides for your offspring from previous relationships.
8. The van’s inability to climb over 55 mph significantly decreases the likelihood of getting pulled over speeding, and, inadvertently ticketed for giving road head.
9. It’s really just a camper without an overhang.
10. If times get tough, there’s always that space down by the river.