Harry Styles

Harry Styles looks like a mini Mick Jagger, or a skinny-jeans elf with taxidermy hair. According to my Tumblr search, he is the most blogged and reblogged of all 1D members, so you are probably not an alt teen (also via liking 1D), but may graduate to be one via liking spooky-looking boys. You can look forward to a young adulthood of chasing artsy twinks, which involves cleaning up puke that consists only of keg beer, Adderall and accidentally-swallowed chewing tobacco while being jealous of that one guy friend he hangs out with too much.

Niall Horan

Niall looks like Draco Malfoy mixed with a pomeranian puppy, so you are probably obsessed with Harry Potter and Boo – but who isn’t? You are the kind of tween who wants to marry her next-door neighbor, and then have little babies who you can play rubber duckies with in the tub. You want a man who will hold your hand while you walk to the mall, the kind who gets his tips frosted while you get a pedicure. You will have a happy life of love and affection and trying out mac and cheese recipes off Pinterest.

Louis Tomlinson

Louis is the most 90210 of all the 1D boys. I don’t think you could cast him in any movie role other than playing a guy who is about to blow up by starring in a fictional movie within the first movie, and so on and so on, forever.  If he’s your fave, you’re going to have a troubled love life forever because your bad boy radar is easily thrown off by something as casual and sneaky as nautical stripes. While nerds are pawing down your Bieber-covered door, you’re always going to be into the bisexual dude having an affair (presumably and amazingly) while on horseback.

Zayn Malik

Zayn is the one vaguely-ethnic member of 1d, and also the super-hipsterest when wearing hot ironic glasses. My Tumblr investigation revealed lots of self-portraits of this dude showing off his abs, complete with a Chinese symbol tattoo on his hip. I can’t decide if he’s a pretty boy, a Pakistani-alt, or a MySpace bro. If he’s your fave, you like dudes who know how to play chameleon. This means that boy you like right now, the one who is really good at art and stuff, just might get really into wearing windpants and talking about Ron Paul in about 5 years. You never know!

Liam Payne

Liam is the most Bieber-licious of all the 1D boys, but also has this down-home look of being that kid who always takes his tween dates to McDonald’s. You probably awkwardly kissed your little brother a lot when you were too young to know better, and now spend a lot of time wondering when a boy is gonna put the yawn move on you. Your dating life will get easier when all your friends start drinking.

–Becky Lang