Twilight: In a couple years, your child is going to be in one of those student clubs that sits around naming prom. “A Night to Remember?” “Nice!” You could buy her a notebook that has Jesus footprints and she’ll sincerely like it and write journal entries that you will at first read but eventually get bored with. You hate her one gymnast friend.

The Hunger Games: She’s gonna grow up to be *that* lady in her book club.

Princess Protection Program: She is still mad at you for never buying her an American Girl Doll. She made herself a pet rock once and then didn’t get what the big deal was. She wishes that she had a twin, or was somehow exotic. She will grow up to be unimpressed by a future British pop star with a deep voice. She will wonder, “What am I missing?”

High School Musical: Your child likes bright lights. Peanut butter. Getting hair out of her eyes with barrettes. Pie at Christmas. The necklace that swings. That cat. The eyebrows on that boy.

Spy Kids: She is afraid to tell you she doesn’t want to be in Girl Scouts anymore. She has a crush on the 17-year-old purple belt in her karate class, the blonde boy you saw smoking outside of Target. She will eventually teach English in another country and you will feel confused about how to video chat with her.

Juno: She found your booze stash and drank some schnapps when you were out on a date. You have no idea how many followers she has on her Tumblr, or what a Tumblr is, but she’s kinda, sorta important there. She will grow up to spend at least two years calling people asking for donations for a non-profit.

–Becky Lang