Pitches for Other “America’s Got ___ Shows”

Pitches for Other “America’s Got ___ Shows”

• “America’s Got HPV” – Preteens sing their favorite Disney Channel tunes and then get vaccinated and told they’ll get HPV anyway.

“America’s Got Muffin Tops” – Contestants seek to lose their muffin tops over the course of several weeks. America votes off whoever doesn’t compel them enough with their “Spare Tire Tale,” and Tabitha from “Tabitha’s Salon Takeover” – for some reason – helps them find jeans that don’t squeeze.

“America’s Got ADHD” – Kids perform their talent of choice and then are critiqued indefinitely until they give up and start looking at their cell phones/ Leap Frog devices. Whoever pays attention longest wins.

“America’s Got Privacy Issues” – Judges look through teenagers’ Facebook profiles and insult their pictures and then a cop comes and takes them away for all their evident underage drinking and drug use.

“America’s Got Denial” – At first the show is an army bootcamp training competition, but a secret team of spies figures out who is latently gay via monitoring their shower/online porn habits, and sets up “secret flirtatious scenarios” that will reveal them on live TV.

“America’s Got Sparkles” – Lonely women looking for love are counseled on “deal breakers” by Tina Fey, and then undergo “sparkling” by Jennifer Love Hewitt, with a glue gun and a set of sequins. They are then judged by how long they can keep a man intrigued by their vajazzled nether regions.

“America’s Got Pickles” – Moms and Dads who are self-admittedly bad at eating produce before it expires sign up for a show that will teach them to make the most of things – through pickling! Guy Fieri, Rachel Ray and other Food Network stars teach them to make everything from sandwich slices to kimchi. America votes off whoever’s pickles please them the least.

“America’s Got Aspergers” -Parents who believe their children have Aspergers enter them into the ultimate competition of wits, social difficulty and savantism! We see who has the most Rainman-like qualities, and vote off the kids who are “just fakin’ it!”

“America’s Got Republicans!” – Our favorite and most outrageous retired Republican candidates compete for the ultimate prize – the fake promise of banning abortions forever. First they must compete in rounds like “Wearing strange contacts to look interesting on Newsweek” and “Practicing their self-defense speech for Stephen Colbert.” The winner is then given a yearlong contract with Cover Girl, who did not properly read the contract.

Becky Lang