Events That Just Missed My Facebook Timeline

Events That Just Missed My Facebook Timeline

Sometime in 2005: Flying down Interstate 35 trying to make it to an internship interview on time, I forgo a quick bathroom stop and literally piss into a water bottle (wider lip). I miss.

March 2006: I go on spring break to Seattle and spend much of the next five days absolutely going on breathlessly about my new Bruce Hornsby album.

September 2006: I lose my virginity in my girlfriend’s bedroom, located in the basement of her parents’ house, just below her parents’ bedroom.

About 60 minutes later: She’s convinced I’ve impregnated her, and we run off to Wal-Mart to buy condoms (for the next time) and the morning-after pill, which has just been released in South Dakota (for this time).

February 2007: For about three weeks, I start looking kinda fat in some photos.

Summer 2007: In a sweet band, I smoke my first joint and spend the next three hours with a bottle of wine dangling from the roof of a local bar.

October 13, 2007: While in line at the grocery store, I get greedy, open up my bottle of Mountain Dew, and accidentally spill it all over my pants.

Dec. 10, 2007: I quit the sweet band via an angry e-mail exchange. Hours later, I drag my amp a mile home from our practice space in the middle of the night. Our bassist sees me, pities me, and drives me home.

Jan. 1, 2008: My car dies in the middle of a blizzard in eastern South Dakota. I catch a ride from three Mexicans in a white Bronco into town.

June 2008: My first Friday night in Minneapolis, I get drunk, leave a hot tub, jump on a bike, drive to the Uptown Theatre for a midnight showing of Jaws, sit in the front row, pass out, wake up, and barf all over the bathroom. My lurching matches the scene where they gut the shark they think is the big one and a license plate falls out.

December 2008: I’m nearly decapitated by an errant buffalo.

April 2009: Wells Fargo threatens to close my bank account. I just ignore the calls.

July 2009: I lose my wallet and gig bag at a bar in St. Paul.

Sometime in Late 2010: My girlfriend suggests anal. I defer.

September 2011: Those bastards at the aforementioned bar finally call me back.

Dunstan McGill