Suggested Food and Drink Pairings for the Self-Destructive, Lonely and Broke

Suggested Food and Drink Pairings for the Self-Destructive, Lonely and Broke


Light beer and Lean Cuisine stir fry – dinner for one.
There’s nothing like a candlelit date over fresh-made, authentic curry and a few microbrews. Something about the spice perfectly compliments the hops, while the cool fizz helps the Srirachi go down just right. But that’s not life! Life is sitting alone, watching News Radio and living on $10/day. To pretend it’s cool, choose a stir fry Lean Cuisine, eat it with real chopsticks, and pour a Natty Ice in a glass. Talk to yourself in the mirror. Basically the same thing.

Lunds Samples and Spiked Kombucha
May I interest you in some of the finest $15 cheeses the midwest has to offer, 1/4 a slice of sausage pizza, a piece of bread dipped in oil and a few grapes? Let the flavors dance with a cocktail made of world-renowned Chinese bacteria, mixed with the humble potency of bottom-shelf vodka. Stroll around, smell our fresh flowers, get increasingly drunk, hit on the meat guy, drink more, fall asleep in our bathroom. A pleasant eve for one.

Queso, Chips and Coke
You love queso sauce. You love chips. You love Coke. You love chips dipped in queso, and washing it down with Coke. We all do. But try putting them all in your mouth at once. That’s living.

Rum and wine.
Is it 1 a.m. and you just lit a cigarette at the wrong end and half the party left because the cops came? Why not enjoy a Cross-Eye, a drink easily made from picked-over leftovers. Just mix the rest of the hard alcohol with some Franzia or whatever and say something cute like “Excuse me for partying.”

Becky Lang